One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.
One of the things that bogs me a lot is the lack of communication with my Dad. I was scared of him in my entire childhood. I could get whacked for any reason till I was ten years old. This was pretty normal in most Indian households I think where the children were scared of their father. I guess that planted a lot of resentment against him too which automatically turned into rebellion by the time I grew up. And later manifested into lot of other crap which I realise now. As Emma Thomspon says - "Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn't listening." In my case, there was a total absence of communication than the usual daily talk. He played the role of a father in terms of earning the money and making sure we had the requisite required for education, food and the basic necessities. I held it against him as I grew up for all the things he denied my mother, me and my sister without giving any reason. I learnt not to communicate as well like him inspite of my mother's best efforts. Like I said, the seeds of dissent, anger etc for him were sown in childhood along with the natural love that we have for our parents.
And then after ma died a few years back, he changed completely. He took over the role of my mother. The man who never even ironed his hankerchief was now making food and packing tiffins for me. The man who never ever asked me - how was school - now started asking me about my daily life. The man who didn't get up from his bed when I came home early morning with a broken knee now started fretting if I coughed a little. Made onion soup if I had a cold and stuff like that. The man who never lifted a hand now actually called me on my cell (just like that) to know if I am doing okay. It's not that I was not grateful but I started putting up a barrier for what I regarded as an interference into my life. I was completely unused to this. It wasn't until recently when I read "Dumbing down our kids" by Charles Sykes that there was a shift in my thoughts. And feelings. Especially the point he made about parents - "Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room." That actually choked me a little especially since it threw up memories of my Dad wearing the same pair of pants, shoes and what not for years. Stretching the perfume bottle for more than it was meant to be. I'm sure there were countless other things which I didn't even notice and which I will never know. I guess our folks grew up and brought us up the way they were by their parents. They didn't know different. Just because I have the awareness and exposure today to different things in life doesn't make it fair to judge the way they brought us up. All I am saying is that it created a complete shift in me; in my attitude and behaviour towards him.
It's not that I don't get irritated or pissed off with some of his habits. It's just that my responses now include a lot of love and care. A lot of let go. And my feedback if any is accompanied with a smile and a gentle touch. We still don't communicate the way we should in an ideal world but both of us know that the other knows and is equally gung-ho about that effort of making up for lost time. I am probably never going to say 'I love you' to him. It would embarrass us both to death but the communication between us is much better and freer than I could have imagined earlier. For the rest of his years with us (in case he kicks the bucket before me), I plan to make them as full of everything he sacrificed while 'growing' us up. I don't want to ever have to sing the song that Mike & The Mechanics sang in the nineties.
Current Music: Mike & The Mechanics - The Living Years
