Cheers!!

So again, what do they say? I've reached the final end of my tether. To anonymous penmanship. I've drifted from the purpose with which I started this blog. It's not meant to be an epitaph although this is what exactly this is. Some of you have really made a difference in my life in the 4 years I've strived to keep the thread alive. For that I am utterly grateful and unbelievably thankful. For taking the time to make a difference.

A week from now the writing will cease to exist. And so will the magpie. I saw Auschwitz last week. I leave you with a piece of a beautiful tragedy. If this doesn't move you, I don't know what will.

Final music: Valentina Lisita playing Traumerie the original by the great Schumann 

What is love?

Read it somewhere - If you have no one - masturbate. It will keep your emotions alive. Either I didn't understand it or I don't agree. Nonetheless, it led me to watch SAW 3D on this weekend.

SAW 1 had impressed me quite well and I had purposely avoided the sequels due to the expectation buildup earlier. However, I gave in to the call this Saturday and plopped in Vue. The storyline is more or less similar to part I wherein the villain puts people in a situation where they need to make a choice about whom they want to save or die in the bargain. Well, it's loosely put. There is plenty of gore and blown up all the more by 3D. It didn't scare me. It didn't bore me. However, the second half did make me reflect a bit. And the reflection turned deeper as I hit the sack that night. And is still going in.

In the second half, one of the central character has to go through 4 situations which challenge his guts, emotions, strength, will power AND love. A life of his close ones is associated with each of the test. Failure in any automatically kills the close one. And the tests would be sphincter breaking for anyone. Especially the last one where his wife is caught in the furnace and he has to pass the toughest test of all to save her. He fails inspite of his effort to garner the maximum will and strength. Nietzsche has rightly said - Till the day of his death, no man can be assured of his courage. But I thought what about love? We use the word love so loosely. What does love mean to you? Could you go through any damn thing and be prepared to sacrifice your life to save your loved one? And I am not talking about donating your kidney or blood in copiuos amounts. If there was a lion in front of you and your child or you and your mate, would you sacrifice yourself or escape? Do you have the balls to do that? To what end would you go for the one you love or rather profess to love? I ask the above questions taking it for granted that love is meant to be all consuming emotion pervading your heart, body and mind for the other. It is to be lived fully than in a tepid mode.

I've never been tested so far so unfortunately I haven't experienced the moment of truth. Have you?

To be honest, I don't know what love is. I thought I knew but I know now that I was wrong. At least for the past decade. Anything that doesn't take you higher either means that you are not giving it your all or it is not meant for you. It has nothing to do with the other person because your love makes a difference only to you and not to the other. Understand this.

So once again - have you? If yes, I'd love to hear it.

Current music - Ankhiyon ke Jharokhon Se

I am sorry but the pain of togetherness is more than I could find. Or bear. And that's how you want it anyway.

Current music: Sharmilee - Khilte hain gul yahan :(

And what do they say?

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you are alone with. Oh yeah!! Never had a problem with that. The best part of my last week trip to Amsterday was a taxi driver at the Den Haag Central station playing Shalimar - Hum Bewafa. After an utterly exhaustive day followed by drinks and dinner, it was such a undescribable moment to sit by the taxi, smoke a cigarrette and listen to Kishore Kumar. You start appreciating many things much more when they are not available easily. I didn't ask him to repeat the song. Have learnt that experiences are unrepeatable and dont lend the same flavor if repeated again. So I finished the ciggy, took the train and went to the hotel.

Current music: Shalimar - Hum Bewafa

The world seems allright

The past two months have been a whirlwind on all fronts. The involvement in everything has been so much it could perhaps be called as 'personal'. It has completely taken me by storm - the demanding clients, incessant travel to India and Europe, family and property matters, close friends and relatives - all in all it has been an upheaval. A churn to the next phase in maturity, values, friendships and understanding of the self. I've laughed to the point of bursting apart, cried to the point of despair and experienced so much extremes on the emotional front that a lesser me some years back would have collapsed easily. It's like every last drop of my emotion has been squeezed completely through like water through a sponge not allowed to dry naturally.

But it's been beautiful. To be swept uncontrollably without a moment of rest, to be driven even in your dreams across so many multiple points, so many personal relationships and all twining perfectly in the end. Like I said it has not been without its shares of downers but I think stress or adversity tests your real capabilities. If you can manage yourself and your system without losing control, you have been maturing quietly. Else, its no big deal to be in control during cool situations.

And yet again I start travelling to Amsterdam, Belgium and Europe from Monday. Living on your own in a foreign land requires so much discipline to ensure you don't victimize yourself starting from food, drink, exercise, money, house, travel at the least. I love it.

Current music - Dostana - Jaane Kyun

I'll see you again but not yet.

Yawn: another one

Muddat se thi kisise milne ki aarzu
Khwaish-e-deedar me sab kuch gawa diya
Kisi ne di khabar wo aayenge raat ko
Itna kiya ujala ke ghar tak jala diya


Now all: please go to sleep.

Current music: Nelly Furtado - All Good Things

Arz kiya hain

Chaha na usne mujhe bas dekhti rahi,
Meri zindgi se wo is tarha khelti rahi,
Na utri kabhi wo meri zindgi ki jheel me,
Bas Kinare Par Baithi Pathar Fenkti rahi.

The tragedy of the human condition

Every single act is contingent upon another in the past and spawns a litter of consequences for the future. Sin might be expiated; forgiveness might be granted, but the consequences spread out, ripples in a limitless pool, currents eternally moving in a dark sea.

Self portraits are not always the best art. We all love ourselves, but we are not always happy with what we see in the mirror.

Annie Lennox's face has so much character. And her voice can literally travel in waves and take you with them.

To discover what you are unique at, to do what you do best is perhaps the greatest gift life has to offer.

Current music - The Return Of The King - Into The West

Dream On

London is different. It's got an atmosphere, an environment which can make you do new things. Rather awaken dormant feelings. Repressed feelings. Or hidden feelings to be truthful. And it's a total new introduction. As you move away from London and stay near the countryside, as the sun sets and the night beckons, and the people quieten themselves by the fire in their household and you have time - lots of time for yourself, there is no way to go but inwards. And so I do at times. It's a continuous delirious affair.

I watched a jugalbandi between a violin and a tabla player - both renowned artists known to me. I rarely get goose pimples easily but in the 3rd minute of their sporty competition I knew I was hearing some mind blowing music. And then when it ebbed down, it yet reminded me of Goldberg variations again. The love hate relationship with that particular particular mind numbingly delicious composition is never ending for me. The affair which after all started on one cold evening with a whisky glass in one hand, Bach on LP and me in London.

Current Music: Just

My Message

You don't even know the depths you can go to. Or the heights you can reach. Either way if you haven't reached one of those two, you haven't lived life. The greatest sadness and joy ever in life is in knowing who you are. To dedicate yourself to that one note, just to produce it right is nirvana. The last of the last.

Current Music: Goldberg Variations

London Dreams

The inclination for a new post hasn't set in. Well, it's not entirely true. The most poignant thoughts strike me when I am lying down straight as an arrow with palms upwards toward the sides of moi body  - when the sensations flow to the fingertips. Yes. I am a physical person. And I'm too lazy to pen them down which irritates me to no end when I ruminate the next day. I've been meaning to talk about relationships but what's the point? This would be an individual perspective not applicable to anyone since it's relative. Not that this is a free mason blog.

The week's been pretty good inspite of the waking at 4 and sleeping at 10ish. I haven't really explored London but I did go to St.Albans. Loved it. Might settle there for all you know. Only moi sis's husband tells me it's a sorta racist place. Sigh!! Any tips for a place near London with the bliss of a countryside and great tube connections?

Current Music: Queen : Too Much Love Will Kill you

Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair

Somedays back my friend sent me a picture of her little gorgeous daughter sitting on the wooden porch which extends into the sea. The picture had a eighties retro feel and somehow the colors also fit to make it complete. You know there are some pictures which tug at your heart the moment you see them. For e.g. the road going to Crowfoot glacier which is the source of Bow lake, the Athabasca glacier, the heartstopping Peyto lake and the enormously mindfuckingly gorgeous Lake Louise. Then there is the Sulphur mountain and the mountains of Denver. My heart truly stopped when I was driving down the mountains. I can't wait to go to San Francisco and sit on the edge of the wooden porch which extends into the deep sea, my feet lapping the water, tequila in hand in case I don't have any loved ones with me and watch the sun set with the air drifting me away. If death strikes me at that moment, I would happily kick the bucket.

You know with me such things happen. The moment I strongly start thinking about anything the puzzle starts to fill up. Unknowingly small events, references start to crop up which take me to my destination. So I logged into youtube and the song recommendation was San Francisco. I am no longer stunned with this happening to me. I don't call it a coincidence but pure synchronicity. And so I saw the song for the first time which incidentally is one of my very favourites from the sixties. I saw the video first; then closed my eyes and played it again. It brought tears to my eyes, got me really into the mood and music touched me again after quite some time. The lady perhaps couldn't have introduced him better. It was exactly how I would. Here goes in case anyone is interested.

Current Music - Scott McKenzie - San Francisco


and then I saw this one too. I had forgotten about it and didn't know Scott was in both.


The Mamas and The Papas - California Dreaming


The sixties truly made "now that's what I call music". Watching the videos to the songs which I had forgotten I knew brought these thoughts - One that the sixties were sooo different and beautiful. No wonder it produced so many flower children. Secondly, do we really know what's next? So what's with this deep desire in everyone to be wanted, to be loved and to be secure. And even more to be felt so by everyone. Why not just let down your hair, just trust in nature to take care of you? The simplest things are the most difficult, aren't they? Anything that is simple, doesn't actually require effort doesn't seem attractive to us or seems rather unachievable. Just to "be yourself".

Eighth wonder

I had to rub my eyes in disbelief when I opened my inbox this evening. An email. From my Dad. In hesitant prose as if he was not sure if I would actually get it. As if wondering how the text that he typed in his box could reach me all the way to London. I could actually feel all these thoughts in the way he typed those small sentences enquiring about my health. The workload. Whether I am taking care of my health or not. And the abrupt bye after he typed all that he wanted. The small and large caps. A different size and color in between as if he was experimenting and having fun with the options. The exploring of a child. I felt like I was in heaven. He who was totally against even taking an ATM card or taking the online banking option from his bank. He who didn't bother with the internet or laptop even though he must have seen me glued for hours on the puter since a decade.

Before I left for London, I spent two whole days teaching him the simple way of operating the laptop, using the explorer, checking if the connectivity is on, some simple diagnostics et al. And then set up an email account and showed him how to type in the url, username, password and send an email. Did a couple of dry runs but I was never convinced that he would actually use it. I actually showed it to him so that he woudln't be too hesitant about picking up the phone to call me and worry about telecom costs. Taught him as an alternative to contact me anytime. Took more than three weeks for him to send the first mail but the hook is in. I feel so complete in some sense. For finally teaching him at least one thing. Having the sense of introducing him to something totally new in the 65 years of his life.

And finally his 8 sentences. Some without fullstops. And some marked in commas. The unfamiliarity and attempt to convey his thoughts. All was overwhelming so I quickly typed an email and sent it instead of pondering too much. And then let it sink in me. Woohoo.

Current Music - Boney M - Daddy Cool

When The Lights Go Down

Obviously I am not settling in correctly if I am awake and online even at 11.30 in the night. Or it could be that I don't need much sleep these days. The first two weeks in Central London were fantastic. The summer helped the exuberant spirit of most too. The city was alive even at 11 in the night. People would just sit outside the station till the light faded out and do their own thing. Everything changes as you move away from the center. Life becomes slower, people start doing the disappearing act from the streets, shops close by 8 and the frame moves in slow motion. The farther you go towards the edge of the city, the closer it brings you to the edge. Personally speaking I am all for the calm countryside, the greenery, sounds of nature et al. The bug is that there is no one out to enjoy these things. People want to enjoy the serenity sitting inside their house. What the fuck is this meant to be when I return home by 5.30 p.m. and am the only person walking on the street? LoL and it isn't even winter.

So I chat with my house mate sometime till the light in either one's eyes fade or am on the internet on other days till I force myself to take a 'nap' in the night. Forcing yourself to sleep especially when you are in a extremely calm surrounding is almost like regression therapy. There are no sounds outside like in India to disturb the mind so it automatically goes into silent mode and the subconscious takes over. At least for me. And you remember incidents you have forgotten or it gently invokes the tenderest moments with exquisite gentleness. To ensure you don't run by them too fast this time like you did when they actually happened. And the buggery of it is that sometimes its so delicate that you actually wake up and end up picking the blackberry to look at the time and go back to it. LoL.

These days I turn off the lights when Australia wakes up. The time on bed is actual silence. I don't have to cover my eyes to experience actual darkness 'cause the mind switches off its chatter on its own. I don't know if it makes sense to anyone who reads me but hey, my blog and all that.. :) So my house mate was telling me about the things you need to be careful while buying a house, renting a property, UK tax laws, her job frustration and how she wants to move from the fashion industry to finance. Quite a jump I think but it's the need of the hour. Contrary to what people think, finance is the one industry where you can make money even in the crisis especially if you work in anything but the back office. Do whatever in life but try not to work in the back office of a company in a developed nation if you want to be assured of a steady flow of income and growth.

If your current company shut down and you had to actually change your industry, what would your choice or back up be?

Current Music: Madonna - Give It To Me

A Different Frame

I deleted my FB today. Thought about deleting the blog too but didn't want to do anything inane untill I was completely sure. So will persist till whatever is right materializes in my mind.

Is it perfectly normal to be on your own and not miss anyone? I am content being with myself. I am content being with everyone too. But I don't miss anything. It's not that I don't feel. I am incredibly moved at times by life situations, a child's touch, the crazy joke, the injustice, the justice, beauty of the nature and so on. But I don't think about anyone or anything from a I miss you or I miss it perspective. Is it because I have lived all the normal experiences completely or I have lived all the normal experiences and they don't interest me anymore? The other has always been of interest in our life because our own lives probably hold no excitement. No clarity on where, what, how. Hence the interest in what's happening with him, her, seven oceans across. And this is not even required for sustainance. But it's there in spite of it. But I've lost interest in these figs.

The trick lies within methinx. All I am concerned with these days is how to transform this rock into the divine (not God please). The struggle is to become compassionate. And what I mean by compassionate is to become passionate about everything in my life without exception. There are no struggles with beliefs. All that we believe in are things we do not know, isn't it? There are certain changes happening on a non physical level but its premature to comment. Just need to cut the ropes that bind me. Certain hard hitting incidents usually happen in life which push a person in a different direction. Make him lose interest in the mundane. And once you are on the road less travelled its difficult to trace back. As Frost says, in fact it's impossible to find the same road again.

There are only 4 ways to live life - through love / mind / trust / body. It's important to recognize what applies to you so the road becomes obvious. And accepting the recognition is quite important too needless to say. As Ayn Rand says ~There are two sides to every issue: one side is right and the other is wrong, but the middle is always evil.

More later.

Current Music - Sting - Fragile

Of Women On Women

And I must write about women here. The range of lookers is bizarre - from extremely dishy to the maniacal but lookers nevertheless. Some of the Goth apes look great too in their own way. All independent and in a rush on weekday and sunning themselves on the bench outside the station on the weekend. Cigarrette in hand and pet muse on another. Hormone hacked most of the time too :) Very expressive physically which might be attributed to the climate. Piccadilly Circus must definitely be one area where many a man goes home feeling much lighter with his better half. I saw this chic walking with 11 bags filled with clothes. I counted to be sure. What a place.

But speaking of women remind me of this Coco Chanel quote "I don't know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men". I love women. Period :). The other day I was thinking about the trials women go through in different phases of their life - menstruation, mental stress, menopause and of course men. And if they have a man who appreciates all that and makes them feel loved accordingly, great. If not, that is another trial to pass. Of course there is pregnancy and children for some, juggling jobs and children at the same tie and for the really unlucky - in laws living with them. All these combined make me feel that every woman should be some rewarded / awarded something by the Government for making the world so much comfortable inspite of 'men'. And that too in time while they can still enjoy and have full movement. My personal one would be (if I could afford) to give each one of them a cash rich year completely free to do everything that they want without the daily worries.

I cringe now when I think about the amount of mothers who keep on sacrificing, sacrificing and yet some more and eventually kick the bucket tired, brow beated and completely exhausted. And then the relatives talk about how good she was. Back home before I flew to London, I attended a funeral of one of my aunts - one I genuinely loved who passed away suddenly at a young age. During her funeral I could hear all the relatives singing praises, weeping truckloads of tears and doing the usual. It made me sick. I cursed them then and there itself - "Where the fuck were you guys when she was ill on the bed? How many times did you visit her and make her comfortable? And not to mention the amount of times you have back bitten her for some shitty reason or other. Stop this fucking pretense. All of you mother fuckers make me puke." There was a stunned silence and my Dad tried to pull me aside and then gave up. He knew the more he would try to stop me the more I would open up all their secrets. One of my relatives had the gall to ask me," So how many times did you come to visit her?" I told him,"Bastard, I came 4 times in 3 months and stayed for 2 days each. It's not about the number of times but the thought that counts. You people shunned her completely. She had cancer not some disease which would kill all of you. But no, who will take the trouble of visiting her - she who gave her entire life helping all of you in some way or the other. And some of you bastards haven't even made it to her funeral. Stop asking me bullshit questions and at least look after your own parents. Hopefully this should be a wake up call. I hope none of you guys wake up one day at your folk's funerals and are too late even though you deserve it."

Maybe this incident stemmed those deep thoughts on women. Or maybe it triggered memories of my mother whose flame extinguished because of lack of oxygen. But something sure did. For all those out there, a big kiss and this special dedication.

Current Music - John Lennon - Woman

On a lighter note, spotted this in Chennai

Tick Tick Two

Second post from nice climes. I think the city is in a progressive mode but people around me say everyone is waiting for the second dip post crisis. The unemployment is around 8% and the people in retail stores seem to be scrimping which as a domino effect everywhere.

After two weeks of staying in a hotel, I finally moved to a house. After living in Nizam city Hyderabad, London houses seem to be kennels. Even the 2 bhk with one storey seems to be smaller than my home in India. The size of the rooms is definitely small. I plan to stay here for maybe 2-3 months and then move into a larger house. I've become a sort of expert on how to spot and clinch the sharpest deals in rent-a-home or anything that has to be bought for that matter. I had a look at two different Indian spots - Harrow and Wembley. Conclusion - Wembley is dingy. Harrow on the hill rocks. Pinner is good. Harrow & Wealdstone are good too in some areas. Likewise some parts of Stanmore. But Wembley definitely sucked for me. Advise for Indians coming to London and looking to stay in a cosmo place with an Indian feel, don't go farther than Harrow on the hill. If I stay in London long enough, I might buy a house here but my plans are eventually to move towards California :). That place brings a smile on my face. Orange country especially. Or some obscure part of Europe. Maybe Austria. I have a feeling I will make my millions here in London.

The energy in this place is incredible. So is the diversity. East Europeans, Afghanis, apna desis, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis, Chinese, Africans - you name it and they exist. Its even more incredible than New York because so many live here and exhibit their creativity inspite of the discrimination supposedly prevalent. I had a mild dose of it already. I was travelling by bus around 8 in the night from King's Cross when this old man asked me in his typical Brit accent," And what the heck are you doing in my country?" I chose to ignore him for fuck's sake. But he persisted. "Answer me Paki". So I asked him with extreme politeness in my sotto voice,"Your country, is it? What's your name?" He answered something like "Stanley Jakowski". And the whole bus laughed. So that was that.

Then I saw this incredibly sensitive looking gay guy sitting two seats away on the tube. Carmine hair tied in a pony better than any girl I've seen, carmine lips and carmine eyebrows too for that matter. Incredibly feminine and sitting with perfect freedom in the train without a bother. No one gave him a second look other than my discreet stares. The freedom is just incredible to be what you want to be. And then the massive tattoo culture, run your hand through your hair styles adopted even by the bigshots on Canary Wharf, leather mischief et al. It was quite a double dose of pure oxygen.

Current Music - Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street

First from London

After a week of being here, now is the first time that I have got time, the internet and mainly the inclination to collect my thoughts. Luckily, one of my friends from Australia was down in London as part of the Europe tour and we had a good time over 3 days. Strangely, the place doesn't seem new to me at all. On the contrary, Coimbatore felt new to me when I visited it a week before I left India. Maybe the constant international travel over the last few years have numbed the travel taste buds so as to speak.

The locals say its a good time to be here. They are referring to the weather. I am sure they are really enjoying the sun which keeps the city bright till 9 in the night. Watching the unabashed display of breasts enjoying the sunshine anywhere and everywhere at times makes me feel I am perhaps at the beach. The train, bus, office, restaurant, pub, street - name the place and you have boobs ready to pop out of their holsters. I've travelled quite a bit but haven't witnessed this sane havoc anywhere. Its only the suit and tie that bring me back to reality. The amount of energy in the place is heartening. Or it could be they are just happy with the sun. Another fact that caught my attention is the staggering amount of cigarrettes smoked by almost everyone. It's unbelievable. That the English love their tipple is perhaps no secret but the amount of nicotine inhaled is scary. If I could find a way to make money out of cancer, I would be the fastest billionaire. I would seriously be happier to get at least a few people to stop. My count has been 4 sticks in 8 days which is quite a record over a long time. I don't feel the urge. Really. And no tipple either. Howzzat? I drank only once as a formality with moi Ozzy friend and it lurched my stomach too. Did a merry go around like a drain cleaner in my stomach. It's weird but I've no complaints. The mornings are fresher and the appetite is good.

The work place seems just what I imagined it to be. A dog eat dog sales world. No complaints though. A slaughter house is meant to be as bloody as possible. I've started connecting through my rolodex already and something might just open up which might help me make the quickest sale ever. Well, that's a quick one for now. It's time for shut eye but I might just try and grab some movie off the web.

It's time for a fresh start and I aim to make the brew right this time.

Current music - Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry

Whiplash

Last evening I was chilling at home with some friends. One of the girls decided to go to a nearby store to buy some juices and food. In Hyderabad, I live in one of the neatest residential areas and would like to swear by its safety and unconditional comfort. Till yesterday.

She called me up on my cell on her way back to check whether we needed anything else. And then she screamed and cut the phone. Befuddled, I called her back to hear her panting and abusing in rage, "Bastard. Assole. Mad******. I will fucking kill you". All this from someone whom I have not known to utter even the mildest abuse in jest. Absolutely prim and proper lady. I knew some bad shit happened. She yelled again,"These two bastards molested me and one is running in the direction of your house". And with that I could hear her running again.

By then the other two girls in the house knew something was wrong. We ran to the basement, got the car out and went in her direction. All in 120 seconds. On our way we would see one person running in our direction. I veered the car in his direction. Even while I was driving, the girl next to me opened the door to slam dunk him. The bastard somehow sidestepped the door and ran on. I stopped the car in the middle of the road and followed. Cursed my cigarrettes but the will was strong and made up for the stamina. Caught him after a 300 metre chase. Thrashed the shit out of him. By then the girls caught up with us including my friend who was molested by him and his friend. She was talking on the phone while coming down the road whilst these two vermin were coming in the opposite direction. The street lights went off at that moment and one of the two squeezed her breast. And continued to walk as if nothing happened and just casually turned to see her reaction. My friend said all her thinking stopped. She saw red. Felt dirty. Bloodhot. And ready to kill. She ran after him screaming at his friend to stop him from getting away. And then when she saw them running in opposite directions, she called me.

The girls drew their sandals. My friend had turned into a mad hatter. By then a crowd gathered and joined in the fray. I let the guy have it in full throttle. He was a carpenter. A 16 year guy from Delhi who came to Hyderabad to work with his uncle. He looked 25, big and strong. I could sense the strength flowing through his blood while I thrashed him. It was only the my anger and adrenalin coupled with his fear that allowed me to kick his ass. And in such situations, I guess that is what matters. The guy who ran away was 16 too. He got the bashing of his life till the cops arrived which was a cool 30 minutes. We took the cops and the guy to his house to pick up the other vermin but he had escaped. Frustrated, we returned to the police station and filed a complaint. Let me tell you - the cops have a different way of kicking butt. The sound emitted from his throat had a different quality to it from the one on the streets. We didn't feel sorry for what we did. 16 years or otherwise. These are the guys if unchecked who go on and rape 5 year olds. The senior inspector told me they would catch the other guy by midnight.

We returned home, played some scrabble to relieve her trauma. A Breezer helped her. Anything stronger and she would have been knocked out. Her family's reaction to it was even more traumatic which pissed me off even more. Blew my top. I asked her and a couple of other girls to sleep over for her to avoid post traumatic stress and her pathetic inlaws. Her husband came over and stayed too. My hands shake in anger even as I write this.

Current Music: Behemoth - Be Without Fear

It's time

And so the countdown has finally begun. There are no upheavals, parting thoughts or pandering of emotions within at the thought of leaving India. Nothing repressed within either {to satisfy the psychologist in you ;)}. I am excited with the prospect of everything new in every hour of my life. I knew most parts of US like the back of my hand but the EU and UK are unchartered territories even though I've been there a few times. It would have been Australia but certain powers made sure that it was not that down under :).

Unofficially I have become an immigration attorney after exploring the various routes of entering a country. Also on the relocation and negotiation front. The long tryst has itself been a fulfilling experience. But mostly, my faith in the power of the mind has moved to another level. If you think of something with an intensity to block everything else out, it happens. Churning out that intensity requires raising of your energy levels on one hand and a real desire on the other. A lot of times we desire something real badly. But the desire is on a diminishing curve. It vanishes if you do not get the object in a few time frames. Raising of the energy levels is something not meant for the blog. One of the times I wanted something for real was way back in 2000. I remember wishing on my favourite tree of the desire to go to the US for a selfish reason. The desire was all consuming rattling its way through my mental and physical circuits till I was breathing it. It was almost prana. And it happened leading me to enjoy the culmination of my desire. I hadn't explored the power within that strongly earlier in my life. I wish I had though. Similarly this time I had lengthy conversations within whether I really wanted to go and once that was decided, everything else just fell into place.

Its about knowing what you really want and wanting it for real. So while it's been an exciting life so far in the land of mystery, I am equally kicked about what's next. I've made some swell friends over here and hopefully I shall meet some in moi travels. Thank you for all your good wishes. Each one counted for making it happen.

Current Music: Pete Rock & C. L. Smooth - They Reminisce Over You (one of my top 5 hip hop)

Running Thoughts

Tears fall from eyes created with tender love
Heart moved developed by my maker above
Inspiring life of a long lost friend
Another soul giving sharing praying it will never end
Barrier of distance or age in time
Gives no thought to a friendship so sublime

The Last Mile

Parting is always difficult. Especially if you have spent sufficient time with each other. Feelings tend to develop on their own. It might be due to the human tendency to get used to any shit if you stay in it for some time. It's not very different from The Stockholm Syndrome. You only need to recognize what's happening in your life across every valuable relationship. These days the company you work for is an integral part of your life since 2 out of 3 people spend long hours in office, take work to home and access emails via the phone. Hence, it's very necessary that you enjoy what you do and look forward to it every day. Else...

It's my penultimate day in the office. It's business as usual from outside but the inside is a different thing altogether. It struck me that even if things would have been different between me and the management here, it wouldn't have been a joyful journey for me. A word of advice for the seekers - if you want to join one of the Big 5 whether in IT, Consulting or BPO, do not join at the middle management. Either join right at the top or at the lowest position. It is much more satisfying workwise and you don't have to constantly duck the big swinging dicks in the organization. Or keep a constant watch on your sharky peers or the level below you which keeps nipping at your feet waiting for you to slip up. It's much better working in a midcap or a small niche firm where you really can unleash your entrepreneurial skills even on a small budget. My mentor in the previous organization had warned me - 'Why do you want to be a small fish in a big pond? Rather be a big fish in a small pond'. Politically I am as subtle as a bull in a china shop and if you are not savvy, its impossible to grow at a fast pace. Plus, these games take a toll on you emotionally as well. I think he knew me better than I know myself.

I can't deny that there have been lessons learnt the hard way - Career warfare for instance. I learnt the basics first hand with some of the meanest bosses and colleagues in my worklife so far. It will be very handy for me going ahead. I don't aim to use any of those tactics to cut anyone down but it will be useful to see them coming and take appropriate measures. Second - I learnt what works and what doesn't in a big company. Third but not the least - Don't waste your time in things you know are not going to work. Don't give up. Keep your head down in adversity, keep plugging away and good things will happen if you are sincere enough. It did to me at least.

I hope to leave on a good note. At times, the mind rues the fact that I wasted a few months of my life but my excitement of a fresh start eclipses the negativity.

Current music: Jimmy Cliff - I Can See Clearly Now

The Economic Tizzy

And now airlines are demanding a bail-out in UK and Europe for their losses due to the ash cloud. The ash cloud not only sent their balance sheets in a tizzy but also affected the retail, storage, transport and other sectors. The domino effect of the stoppage of air traffic will extend to other verticals easily. The global environment seems to be worsening by the minute. All verticals are interconnected and any unpredictability like the cloud is adding to the woes caused already by the sub-prime crisis. In a nutshell, my line of work entails wooing financial services firms to offshore their middle and back offices to our delivery centers. I am responsible for growing top line revenues. The growing uncertainty across industries is causing havoc to the balance sheets. We are constantly visiting the drawing board to do the snips and edits for forecasts as well as looking at ways to shave costs. For e.g. In capital markets, I target the global custody, asset management and hedge funds quite heavily as the scale of business will come from that sector. But if you look at the sector across US, EU and UK, a lot of banks are looking to exit the low margin custody business as they are unable to support the growing technology requirements warranted by increasingly anal investors and regulators. The focus has obviously moved to the asset side of the balance sheet for the insurers too. Though a lot of people may act like optimists and see the glass as half full, the hard truth is no one can put a hand over their heart and predict anything about the next two years. You can actually see CEO's and CFO's shitting bricks in earnings calls while providing estimates. Can't blame them really but I believe the worst is yet to come.

I was dreaming last night and somehow the economy came into picture and I thought - Going forward, would mergers & acquisitions be possible across countries? :) Perhaps the US or a Middle East country could offer to buy Iceland or some other small country which is in deep shit and solve its immediate latent problems. Though this looks outrageous, 2011 and 2012 could very well see something of this sort happening across the lines. I get some dirty ideas, I tell ye.

Current Music: Pink Floyd - Money

Dilemma

After many days I am sitting late in the office. I've got an offer to migrate to another country but am not sure about the moolah. I am debating whether to take the plunge and figure it out later or negotiate. The risk is that the negotiation may go the wrong path and I might lose the opportunity. There is a trade off here on both sides. The plus side - Very few companies go through the pain of sponsoring a candidate from India and this one chose me over the local candidates. They loved me, period. The could be flip side - They might be short changing me on the CTC and I am not sure of that. A few mentors said that is the price I may have to pay for getting the opportunity to do what I am good at (i.e. sales) and I could look at the upswing a year down the line. I agree with moi mentors but umm. A one day research doesn't help. I'll flip a coin tonight and decide.

BTW, I had a chat with the father of Indian BPO (you can easily find out who he is from Google). One of my ex-bosses met him and casually referred me to him. It was simply amazing and needless to say he made me an offer. My only qualm is that I have been doing these things since the last 6 years and they don't challenge me any more. It's showtime actually and I want to lead from the front. So I am going to have to do a polite refusal. Sigh. A few years ago I would have cut my little finger's nail to work with him.

And then there is another super duper company which is in love with me too. But the CEO needs two weeks to get back to me as he needs to create that appropriate profile. From a career perspective, this company is the best fit for me supposing I get the onsite role. But I am in a quandary. The first company needs an answer right away. Would it be morally right to accept their offer and then chuck it if the super company offers me a role as well? I would hate to let someone down but this is a question of my career. I feel this is an inflection point and whatever I do now will be a quantum leap in either direction depending on the move. Moi heart tells me to go ahead with whoever showed confidence in me for an onsite role but my mind tells me to wait and watch.

Any suggestions?

BTW, I think I am getting good at interviews. Talking to 6 and getting 6 offers is good eh..If things work out, I'll have to make one last trip to aamchi Mumbai and then vamoooose next month.

Current Music: The Cranberries - When You're Gone

Living In My Father's Eyes

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.

One of the things that bogs me a lot is the lack of communication with my Dad. I was scared of him in my entire childhood. I could get whacked for any reason till I was ten years old. This was pretty normal in most Indian households I think where the children were scared of their father. I guess that planted a lot of resentment against him too which automatically turned into rebellion by the time I grew up. And later manifested into lot of other crap which I realise now. As Emma Thomspon says - "Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn't listening." In my case, there was a total absence of communication than the usual daily talk. He played the role of a father in terms of earning the money and making sure we had the requisite required for education, food and the basic necessities. I held it against him as I grew up for all the things he denied my mother, me and my sister without giving any reason. I learnt not to communicate as well like him inspite of my mother's best efforts. Like I said, the seeds of dissent, anger etc for him were sown in childhood along with the natural love that we have for our parents.

And then after ma died a few years back, he changed completely. He took over the role of my mother. The man who never even ironed his hankerchief was now making food and packing tiffins for me. The man who never ever asked me - how was school - now started asking me about my daily life. The man who didn't get up from his bed when I came home early morning with a broken knee now started fretting if I coughed a little. Made onion soup if I had a cold and stuff like that. The man who never lifted a hand now actually called me on my cell (just like that) to know if I am doing okay. It's not that I was not grateful but I started putting up a barrier for what I regarded as an interference into my life. I was completely unused to this. It wasn't until recently when I read "Dumbing down our kids" by Charles Sykes that there was a shift in my thoughts. And feelings. Especially the point he made about parents - "Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room." That actually choked me a little especially since it threw up memories of my Dad wearing the same pair of pants, shoes and what not for years. Stretching the perfume bottle for more than it was meant to be. I'm sure there were countless other things which I didn't even notice and which I will never know. I guess our folks grew up and brought us up the way they were by their parents. They didn't know different. Just because I have the awareness and exposure today to different things in life doesn't make it fair to judge the way they brought us up. All I am saying is that it created a complete shift in me; in my attitude and behaviour towards him.

It's not that I don't get irritated or pissed off with some of his habits. It's just that my responses now include a lot of love and care. A lot of let go. And my feedback if any is accompanied with a smile and a gentle touch. We still don't communicate the way we should in an ideal world but both of us know that the other knows and is equally gung-ho about that effort of making up for lost time. I am probably never going to say 'I love you' to him. It would embarrass us both to death but the communication between us is much better and freer than I could have imagined earlier. For the rest of his years with us (in case he kicks the bucket before me), I plan to make them as full of everything he sacrificed while 'growing' us up. I don't want to ever have to sing the song that Mike & The Mechanics sang in the nineties.

Current Music: Mike & The Mechanics - The Living Years

Just an Update

I chucked the Bangalore opportunity. I can't work with a company that has no respect for a person's time. After eons, they sent across an offer. I was working on something online when their email popped up. I emailed back - 'Not Interested'. Their HR head called up and yada yada. Well - we are not in the excuses business, are we? If this is their working style, I shudder to think what I would probably have to get used to if I join. I explained this without any sweetener to her which probably miffed her a little. The practice head called me in the next 5 minutes - "Why did you reject the offer? We can negotiate." I said we could negotiate on the CTC but not on my time. I wouldn't like to work for a company that sends an offer 40 days after I have met them.

But I think it's all for the best. I am in talks with some interesting folks from the industry. Even if something doesn't materialize according to my objectives, this itself was a great learning experience. After all, it's not everyday you get to talk to the Father of Indian BPO, isn't it? The point is everyone likes me, my work and wants me to join them but some nice juicy carrots would be nice.

I met another pioneer from the industry today. It's interesting that after you reach a certain level, the talks revolve around trends and opportunities rather than what you have mentioned in the CV. I was telling him about the changing market, window of opportunity and what his company needs to do to capture the chunky slices of the pie. It was almost like a family discussion in choosing a bride for the son. He asked me to give him two weeks to create a role for me. Sigh!!

The mercury is going to kill someone here methinx. 44 degrees celcius :o You can feel the hot air when you take a deep breath at 6 am in the balcony. I've got to take some tips from the native Hyderabadis. Thank God for the pool. Amongst everyone, I must be the one spending the maximum time inside. I've learnt swimming the right way though :) Wow..Didn't know its so easy. Reminded me of the time I learnt to cycle. And other firsts.

The rains went berserk on Friday. In the 30 minutes it took me from Madhapur to my place, I saw a tree topple in front of me, a traffic police stand fall over another car and two motor cyclists taste the earth. Zero visibility added to the woes. I almost ran over the 2 motorcyclists. And Bruce Dickinson was going wild inside with Power Slave. It was awesome. The fury of the rain.

Current Music - Iron Maiden - Power Slave

It's Your Life

On a certain day, a lady went to sleep. In her sleep, she had a dream. In her dream, she saw a hunk of a man standing there, staring at her and he started coming closer, closer, closer. She could even feel his breath. She trembled - not in fear - and asked, "What will you do to me?" The man said, "Well lady, it's your dream."


Whatever you are is created by you.


Current Music: The Cranberries - Dreams

If

Tag from Ria


If I were a month, I'd be March

If I were a day of the week, I'd be Wednesday

If I were a time of day, I'd be 4.30 a.m.

If I were a season, I'd be deep winter.

If I were a planet, I'd be Jupiter

If I were a sea animal, I'd be a whale

If I were a direction, I'd be East (what else)

If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be a swing

If I were a liquid, I'd be mercury

If I were a tree, I'd be a peepal tree

If I were a tool, I'd be a knife

If I were an element, I'd be copper

If I were a gemstone, I'd be diamond

If I were a musical instrument, I'd be a drum

If I were a color, i'd be gold

If I were a emotion, I'd be lust (that longing with no end)

If I were a fruit, I'd be a seedless black grape

If I were a sound, I'd be the strains of sitar

If I were a car, I'd be a Audi

If I were food, I'd be a salad

If I were a taste, I'd be tangy

If I were a scent, I'd be citrus

If I were a pair of shoes, I'd be boots
And if I were a bird, I'd be a white magpie
 
I tag Lalitha and Chimera
 
Current Music: Janet Jackson - If

The Taj and Kasab

Sometimes justice is strange. I correct myself. Justice IS strange. Finally after spending millions of rupees on Kasab, they pronounce him guilty. Why does it take so long to send someone to the chair or the noose? Especially in such an open situation. I was reading the book on the Taj shooting incident. So many details will never see the light of the day to maintain the victims privacy. A lot of women were raped by the terrorists right in front of their husbands and other hostages. Apart from the trauma of being raped, this must have affected the mental balance of a lot of people - the women, the husbands and the helpless spectators. The women for obvious reasons. The husbands for being mute spectators. And the other men for being men in the figurative sense. Not to mention the children. Ultimately, no one can be sure of his courage till the day of their death. I have no idea of what I would do in such a situation as its easy to opine once the moment has passed but it would be very difficult to live afterwards if I were a mere spectator. It isn't easy making that kind of choice in that high voltage situation with your kids being present perhaps. I am just thinking out loud here.

We need special courts to mete justice at super speed so the victims don't have have to prolong their ordeal. Or a repeat of the nineties where the cops were given a free hand to clean up the streets completely.

 

Current Music: Deicide - Once Upon The Cross

Just an update

It's quite irritating that the company has blocked access to blogger. I can access my dashboard and post a post but cannot view it. How weird can you get? Any jugad, folks?

Last night was a miracle. The temperature dipped so much that I actually got up a couple of times to check if the aircon was not on by mistake. And now the mercury is back to it's naughty self. I've been swimming regularly for the last two weeks. I can mercifully swim 'over' water now. Over the last few years I was able to swim under water only. And guess what was the problem with my not being able to swim normally like other mortals? I didn't know the breathing technique - breathe in through your mouth and out through the nose. Wullah - and to think I wasted so much time. But it's quite embarrassing and motivating at the same time to see tiny tots swimming like fishes. Such ease. Er..and the mermaids too. That reminds me of this 4-5 year young chipmunk who comes to swim everyday with his mum and/or Dad. Well, we got to know each other in the pool - IPL right? The other day I was chatting with this little fella on the parapet of the pool about something and his ma rushed in at the same time. Traditional Telugu that she is though she dresses quite modern - but traditional all the same. So traditional that she is, she averted her eyes at the sight of mee in my wee trunks and spoke to me haltingly with the eyes roaming everywhere but my bod. We had just dispensed the hi, hello, where's Mohan (her hub) et al and she was getting used to the idea of talking to a man in trunks when her monkey sneaked from behind and pulled my trunks down. Hello - I was zapped but I pulled my trunks up and collapsed in mirth. It was so funny that I had to actually dive deep inside to stop the laughter. I swear this dusky lady went pink to her ears if that was possible. I took a swipe at the kid before jumping in the pool while she started shouting at him in Telugu. All this happened quickly in a few seconds but that broke the ice. LoL..I don't know if she told her hubby about this but we were pretty cool the next time. Damn - these kids are too naughty. And full of life. I can't imagine me doing something like this when I was 4.

BTW, I was checking ebay.in to get an idea about Indrajal comics. They are being auctioned at 400 rupees each and more :o I have around 200-250 at home. Didn't realise I had so much money ;) lying in the carton. And I know where to get more at a handsome price too. Not that I am planning to sell any. Nevah.

I might go on a trip to North sometime next month. I wanted to see Delhi, Agra and Jaipur since a long time. The Himalayas will have to wait I guess for sometime. There is something else cooking bigtime on the fire but I will tell ya once it's cooked fully.

 

Current Music: Jordy - Dur Dur D'etre Bebe

Helping Hands Are Better Than Praying Lips

Just returned with a terrible mindfuck from the canteen. I saw a guy return his lunch plate to the dishwasher with the entire cucumber as leftover. Another didn't think before wasting half of his rice. Bastards!! I had half a mind to sock the ignorant turds. Cucumbers form an integral part of my 3 meals. In fact, cucumbers and tomatoes form THE meal for me at times. This is not about cucumbers. This is about FOOD. It doesn't matter whether you are a vegan or a non vegan. Something DIED so you could fill your stomach and satiate your hunger. A little bit of awareness could help us walk a lot more softly on this planet. Eat with a little love and gratitude.

Please DO NOT WASTE food - If you have a function/party at your home in India and food gets wasted, don't hesitate to call 1098 (only in India). It's not a Joke. It's a child helpline. They will come and collect the food. Please circulate this message which can help feed many children.

Current Music: Deep Forest - Marta's Song

Munich

BTW, I recently saw "Munich" and I was stunned by the Israeli spirit. Golda Meir was one hardcore lady. No taking sides but you have to appreciate what you are lucky to see. I especially liked how they left it halfway in the end.

Current music: Joe Cocker - Different Roads

Hey dude

The frivolity is starting to get to me. Bigtime. No point in keeping the monster in the closet and pretend all is gay. Too much of the energy is going in schizophrenia. I can't kid myself anymore that it doesn't matter and all will be well. Like my ex-boss told me the last time I met him - Comes a moment when all you have left is sap for one good loving and courage for one good fight. Don't waste the loving on a whore or the fight on a paper tiger. I'm going to give it one last mighty shot. I have no choice but to go within and find the discipline to make all that matters better. This is my prime time and its now or never. It can't get later than this.

Well even the longest night won't last forever
But too many hopes and dreams won't see the light
And all of the plans I make won't come together
Something in the air
Maybe for the only time in my life
Something in the air

Turning me around and guiding me right
And it's a prime time, maybe the stars were right
I had a premonition, it's gonna be my turn tonight
Gonna be my turn tonight

This is for a new dawn: Paul McCartney - Little Willow

Its a Clockwork Orange

What's left of love if she no longer makes you feel like a man? If she no longer feels like a woman with you? That familiarity has bred a partnership instead of a union. A friendship instead of fusion. The lust has disappeared to be replaced with duty. The relationship is queer as a clockwork orange. Nothing left to chase and nothing left to choose. The search for something new or exciting commences. Something that will make you come out of your skin. Like drinking gourd juice first thing in the morning. And the abyss gets deeper. You dream more than you live. Smile more instead of hate. Wish more than you give. And the wishing with no direction gets fizzled in the air like soda.

Current music: Alan Parsons Project - A Dream Within A Dream

Bangalore Travels

I winded up the interview in 45 minutes and had the entire day to myself. Senior management interviews winding up in 45 minutes worried me a little but the company is a solid one. Besides they gave me a Innova for the entire day to get a feel of Bangalore. Sort of pushy but I wasn't complaining about anything. I tried calling someone I wanted to meet but the phone went unanswered twice. So I called up someone whom I hadn't met for two years and met only once in my life in Mumbai. Ha ha. Of all the people I know in Bangalore and have known for years in my life, I don't know why I chose that one. And wonders of wonders. My friend had recently changed jobs and was in the same building. This has got to be synchronicity. There is no other word for this. We met and chatted for close to an hour. Exchanged its, bits and puffs :( And I went on to Commercial District recommended to be a nice place for idling moi engine. I could immediately see that this was not a place you ever went with girls. Even though you may not buy anything but I could probably guarantee that the girls will easily spend hours just rummaging through the stuff. Sort of like Fashion Street in the glory days.

Gobbled some juicy guavas after ages. Road side food to fill the tummy. Bought a few books too (guiltily). The job is in the bag actually. The HR person called me today regarding the offer. I am still in contemplation mode. Hyderabad has grown on me. I love the wide infrastructure, lack of pollution, value for money and the cuisine even though the social scene at times stifles moi spirit. Even the people are growing on me a little. The simplicity. Perhaps I am a wall on which anything can grow but that's how it is. I have another week to ponder about this. The company is really after moi butt to take this up and I haven't even started the negotiation process yet. Perhaps they can sense me waver.

I'm just writing for the sake of it right now.

Current music: Aakhri Alvida

"What was left of soul, I wonder, when the kissing had to stop?..."

Insomnia lead

I saw "Insomnia" over the weekend. Nothing spectacular about the movie. Al Pacino and Robin Williams doing their usual thing and Hillary Swank looking feminine for a change. What was spectacular was that it was shot in Alaska. Anchorage and nearby locations. I think any damn thing in this world can trigger memories. Looking at the sheer, mind numbing depth of Alaska's beauty brought me memories of a dear dear friend from Anchorage. A magnificient lady living with her husband in a nice cottage, shooting moose for food :) and enjoying life. I connected to her in the early years of my internet chatting life. I no longer chat like earlier but a few friends I made in that March of 2000 are still in close touch though communication has been on and off. Unfortunately, not this one. I lost touch with her in 2007. Realised it in 2008 when I was cleaning my inbox and read one of her 2002 emails. I am a sucker for old stuff and deleting emails from people I cherish is a big no-no. I shot an email to her address and got a bounce. Numerous bounces to her different email addresses. That got me worried. This was a lady who used to paint and write on me (nuts methinx) and me just losing touch in the black vaccuum was unforgiveable. So I delved a little deeper into the internet (thank god for internet). A reverse search, a secret directory search, alaska news search, vehicles database etc. and voila. I found her home number listed in her husband's name. The point is I read in one of the news posts that a person with her husband's name died in a freak accident last year. Not sure if he is the same person but there's a possibility. The dilemma is 'Should I make that call?' and 'What do I say after all these years?' (ashamed). And moreso 'How the fuck did I get the number?' Okay, the third part might be forgiveable since she knows my twisted mind well.

I think I will make that call. At least I won't wonder through my life of what could have happened and regret not making that call. And I plan to visit Alaska in my next trip to US. Awesome is not the word to describe it. Look at her house pic amidst the density.

And then during the peak snow.

Alaska is definitely next. It would be a sacrilege to miss it just like not visiting the Himalayas inspite of being born in India.

Current music: Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings