Double Entendre (Read: Double Encounter)

Now there have been countless jokes about the Nizam of Hyderabad and his harem of gays, right? So when I disclosed to moi friends that I am moving to Hyderabad, I was ribbed a bit (good naturedly of course).

So last Sunday I drove to Madhapur to buy a mattress. Buffett said - No sense in spending 7-8K for a mattress to be used temporarily. So I was hunting for something that would serve moi purpose and moi roomie guided me to Madhapur. I parked the car a bit away to avoid being overcharged and walked the rest to the shop on the road. There was a European couple inspecting a few mattresses. I looked at a few and couldn't make up moi mind. The business owner came over to guide me. Must be around 30-35, hefty with a typical accent. After understanding moi requirement, he pulled down a disco blue colored mattress off the shelf and proudly proclaimed,"700 rupees". Mentally I was taken aback cuz I fell in love with the color and would have paid 1500 if he would have asked me. I have no idea about the cost of things actually. And so haggle I did. In between the firang couple came in to buy the same mattress but our friend told them,"It is reserved for this young man". And winked at me. Moi antennae should have functioned then. But I was in this bargaining mood. Finally got him down to 500 with the pillow thrown in. Now I happened to hit him lightly on the back and shoulder during the 5 minutes that we bargained heatedly. So whilst I was removing cash from moi pocket to pay him, he started carressing moi chest and nipple actually. Heat coursed through moi ears and if I was a fair guy, I would surely turn bright red. Unperturbed, he asked me,"Gym jaata kya? Chest mast hain." (Do you go to the gym? Your chest is great). I laughed loudly, paid him, directed the assistant to carry the mattress to moi car and off I trudged.

Was this it? Absolutely not. What starts in the dark continues in the light, right?

So the assistant dumps the mattress in moi car. I pay him a tenner and off he goes. I sit on moi seat and am about to start the engine when I see this local cop standing in front glaring at me. He asks me outside,"Telegu?" I shake moi head. "Hindi?" I nod moi head. "Is this your car?" I say,"No. I stole it". Of course not. So I nodded. He immediately starts spewing,"Do you know there was a traffic jam from here to Kothaguda junction because you parked your car in the middle of the road?" And he starts his gestures etc etc. I looked at the car quizzically wondering if it had gone and sat in the middle of the road all by itself. Well!! He said,"Follow me to the police station". I nodded enthusiastically. His face fell. Weak case huh? So off I went driving behind him. He stops me outside the police station and asks,"Do you have the driving license? And the papers?" I nod vigorously and smile. His face fell even further. He took me inside and made me sit on the chair. At least three cops asked me what I was doing there. Meanwhile, our cop couldnt find his receipt book I think so he comes out after every 2-3 minutes, mumbles for everyone's benefit that I parked the car in the middle of the road and there was a traffic jam till Kothaguda junction. I am bored by his tirade by now so I stand up and wander into the inspector's cabin. 2 star inspector sitting on chair. I narrate moi woe quickly. By the time the cop comes again, tells the inspector about moi irresponsible parking and goes away again. 2 star gets up, walks to the door, looks right and left and comes behind me. And guess what? He runs his hand on moi butt. There was no way it could have been accidental. And then at a distance of maybe one and half feet, he asked me,"Gym jaata kya?"

WTF? I have nothing against gays and the passes they make. But the suspense was too much. No one can mistake that I frequent the gym by looking at me. He let me off finally but I am still wondering what was that line all about. All within a space of one hour was kinda too much so I made the last mistake of the night. I entered a place called Club 8 to have a drink. Oh Jesus!! Highly avoidable. Utterly decrepit music, crowd and ambience. I saw only guys dancing on the floor and wondered whether today is the day when I get done finally. I stormed out leaving half the drink, carried the mattress upstairs and plopped off.

I lived. I learned.

It's Now or Never

One day, Gopi returned from visiting a doctor about his liver problem brought on by his heavy drinking. He mournfully told his wife that he had only twelve hours to live. After wiping away her tears, he asked her to prepare him a nice dinner. Sometime later in bed, he started to make romantic overtures and his wife, with a heavy heart, dutifully responded. Three hours later. Gopi gently woke her up and said,"I only have seven more hours to live. I was thinking that maybe, you know.." She agreed. Still later, Gopi, bursting into tears, realized he had only five hours of life left. He nudged his wife and said,"Please, just once more before I die." She agreed and afterward sighed heavily, rolled over and quickly fell fast asleep. Gopi continued to hear the clock ticking away in his head until he was down to three more hours. Again he nudged his wife to wake her, and sobbing away, turned to her and said,"I only have three more hours left, could we?" his wife sat up abruptly and turned to him and said,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning, AND YOU DON'T!"

Living By Choice

All moi readers - please tell me the moral of the story :)

Raj walked up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. Adter he sat down, the bartender came over and asked for the order. Raj said, "I'll have a beer," and turned to the ostrich,"What will you have?" "I'll have a beer too," said the ostrich. The bartender poured a beer and said,"That'll be one hundred and seventy seven rupees and twenty five paise". Raj reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change. The next day, he and the ostrich came in again, and he asked for a beer. The ostrich said,"I'll have the same." Once again, he reached into his pocket and paid with the exact change. This became a routine, until late once evening, the two entered again. "The usual?" asked the bartender. "Well no, this time I'll have a big scotch," Raj said. "Same for me",said the ostrich. "That'll be eight hundred and twenty two rupees fifty paise,"said the bartender. Once again, the exact change came out of his pocket. The bartender could not hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change from your pocket every ime?" "Well," Raj said, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appreared and granted me two wishes. Moi first wish was that if I ever have to pay for anything, I just have to put moi hand in moi pocket and the right amount of money will always be there.""That's brilliant," said the bartender. "Most people would wish for ten crore rupees or something, but you will always be rich as you want for as long as you live." "That's right, whether for a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there," said Raj. Then the bartender asked, "One other thing sir. What's with the ostrich?" He replied,"Moi second wish was for a chick with long legs."

91.1 rocks in HYD (only 9 to 11 please)

Radiocity played some awful music in Mumbai. In fact, I cribbed about it regularly to the guy who was responsible for it when we met in Toto's. But...but...after listening to RJ Gaurav (his show starts at 9 pm titled Kal Aaj aur Kal - yesterday, today and tomorrow) I have to change moi opinion. The dude rocks. He plays FANTASTIC Hindi classics, timing is great and includes some great shayari as well. I have been hooked to his show especially since I drive home between 9 to 11. He has made me long for a radio now.

"Muh ki baat jaane sabhi

Dil da dard jaane na koi"

It's a Tough World with Rays of Light

I don't recollect if I mentioned this but moi company is extra paranoid about information security. They have done something to the laptop which does not allow me to play mp3. Forget about playing, it does not allow the user to do anything once it detects the mp3 extension i.e. extract, download, play :( Likewise for all file extensions other than wma..It doesn't even allow me to copy mp3 from CD to hard drive. So the magpie was quite morose for some days.

Sunday - Went to exhibition. Bought DVD worth 200 bucks and contains 12 movies.

Monday night - Brainwave after shambhavi mudra :) Downloaded VLAN player and voila...I could at least play the movies.

After SEVEN, I saw SNATCH..Gawd!! I haven't laughed so much for ages. It was hilarious. I just LOVE the Brit accent. And the cast was fantastic. Finally slept at 3.

But I still haven't figured a way around the mp3 block...