And I Think To Myself

Human skin is an organ. The biggest organ in the body, it comprises the dermis, the epidermis and a subcutaneous fatty layer. It it were to be removed intact and spread out it would cover an area just under two square meters. It has weight too: with all that protein and adherent fat, it has enormous bulk. The skin of a healthy adult male would weigh ten to fifteen kilos, depending on his size. The same as a large toddler.

The skin of a woman, on the other hand, would weigh marginally less. It would cover a smaller area too.

Most middle-aged men, even the ones who live alone in a remote part of London, wouldn't have given any thought to what a woman would look like without her skin. Neither would they have cause to wonder what her skin would look like stretched and pinned out on a workbench.

But, then, most men are not like this man.

This man is a different sort of person altogether.

Current Music: Louie Armstrong – What A Wonderful World

Experience it once - Boesmansgat

Somewhere in the middle of the remote Kalahari desert in South Africa, nestling among the dry ochre veld, is a small weed-covered pool at the bottom of a crater. Ordinary except for its stillness - the casual observer would't pay it much attention, wouldn’t give it a second thought. Unless they were to swim in it. Or dip a toe into it. Then they'd notice something wrong. Something different.

First they'd notice the water was cold. Freezing, in fact. The sort of cold that doesn't belong to this planet. The sort of cold that comes from centuries and centuries of silence, from the most ancient recesses of the universe. And, second, they'd notice that it was almost empty of life, only a few colourless canefish living in it. Last, if they were foolish enough to try to swim in it they’d discover its fatal secret: there are no sides to this pool and no bottom - just a straight, cold line to the heart of the earth. Maybe that’s when it would come to them, repeated over and over again over in the whispered ancestral languages of the Kalahari people, This is the path to Hell.

This is Bushman's Hole. This is Boesmansgat.

Current Music - Adele - Chasing Pavements

Arrows and words

What did Heraclitus say 'You can't step in the same river twice'. But you can sure step into the same shit twice. Or bigger shit. I am referring to the spoken word. Usually I am slow to anger and even slower to take offence. Especially if it is with someone really close. But this time the self control tripped like a bull on steroids. What do you do when you are aware that if you say certain things now in your anger, the words are going to rob a certain piece of your life, and still say the same? The end result - feel like shit (aware shit which is hilarious). Like throwing away your wicket when you are batting on 99. 

I am usually the follower of Gurdjieff on anger. He says hold your horses when you feel angry for at least 24 hours. 99% of the time you wont feel the same in the 25th hour what you felt in the first minute. But in that 1%, if you feel the same anger then murder is allowed too. And I usually dont feel angry et al over whole lotta gigantic issues but this time ah... Show must go on..At least I know I did wrong. .

Current music - F R David - Words

What happens, happens

I was in US last week. New York, Atlanta, Florida and ...Maine. New Jersey I didn't mention cause I somehow think it's part of New York itself. And Philadelphia is part of New Jersey. And so the stupid reasoning goes inexplicably in my mind. The best part was of course New York. Vibrant is one way to describe it. Felt just like Mumbai. 3 o'clock in the night but something is going on. Some part of the industry is rocking on in full spirit. It made me realize - there is something for everyone - you only need to find when's your right time. The time when you are at your peak, where you function better than anyone else.

On my last day, a girl chatted up with me in the train while I was on my way to a client meeting. Perhaps she was lonely or felt the need to just talk. Jung called it synchronicity. I don't really believe in coincidences either. Or that this happened at random. Anyway, she kicked off saying I looked nice. It turned out she was a editor of a fashion magazine and could make out who was stylish and wore well. Small talk apart, we 'coincidentally' got off at the same stop. Later she pinged me in the afternoon to catch up since we both really had nothing to do. We had a great time just idle chatting, roaming a bit around the city, not interested in the personal lives of each other but just feeding off one each other's random rants. Sometimes it feels good to just do something without any motive. I needed just that dose considering a lot was going through my mind - one of the thoughts being I dont know if I want to come here again. In the end, she dropped me to the airport and we just bid adieu without any talks of staying in touch, take care etc. It was as if we both knew how frivolous such things are so why waste time, yeah? Not that we dont have each other's contact details but why bother? One thing  in common was we dont plan anything at all.

So back to London. And in a couple of days, I fly to Mumbai for a week. For some reason I feel it's going to be an epic one. My instinct is never wrong in these things. Well, as the song goes..

Current music - Que sera sera

Pretense - pre tense is actually continuous tense

Pretense. Pretense. Pretense. The first step of any change is dropping all pretense. Like peeling off the umpteen layers of an onion. So what is pretense? According to me, not taking action on any thought or feeling however compelling the reason. Basically, if you are not going for it, it means either you dont have the balls or in the end it's something feelgood. Or a sneeze. Believe me, being stark naked is not a goody good feeling but a responsibility towards no one but yourself. If you are not willing to act upon your feeling or thought, walk away. Save yourself and others involved in what if. It's not about the other but making a decision about what's probably right in the situation. 

Current music - Drop the bomb

Triangulation!!

It's so important not to fool yourself into thinking you can cause a change in anything. Person, organization or even your kid whom you probably can twist the most. Trying to change someone or something is like flogging a dead horse. You can only change yourself and probably create the environment for things to blossom if they are supposed to. But the most important commodity I find stretching across everything is 'time'. What is it that you want to do? Truly.

Alice came to a fork in the road.  "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I dont know if it's just me but I find time speeding at twice the speed once you are past 30. Add the information and options overload these days. I find this overwhelming. Just a simple search for finding hotels in New York gave mind boggling options. It scares me in my solo times in the night when I wonder once in a while if I am making maximum utilization of myself. That phrase 'so much to do - so less time' it hits you in the thirties. Once you are on this rollercoaster, you get down only when you kick the bucket. Explore spirituality, explore the world, do those three social causes, be a good father, mother, son, friend etc, live up those sexual desires while you still can without guilt, impact the lives of at least 5 people in your life and eventually have the money to do all this and make that retirement pot too. And all in 'time'. 

I didn't think I would come to New York for a long, long time. But a certain amount of deviousness at work forced me to play my hand. There are some chapters here that I would either like to solidify for life or close forever but how do you squeeze it in a short time? It's not instant coffee but you can't deny either. One person I WANT to desperately meet once and I dont use this term  at all. This discourse could go on forever but let's cut this short. I want to not confuse anymore.

Current music - Alan Parsons Project - Time

Keep walking!!

“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success" - Swami Vivekananda

I love this quote. Especially the part - just leave every other idea alone. I think this is the most important part when we are trying to achieve something in life. To stay on path and not get distracted by wayside temptations.

Current music - Pink Floyd - Keep Talking

YEAH!!

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.

It WAS a long weekend. I had kept three days aside to visit different showrooms, see different models, evaluate what works best for the pocket and thrill combined et al. All in vain for what do I do? I buy the first one I lay my eyes on. In the end, I saved three days of thrill seeking and actually thrilled myself. I got my first Audi. Actually she bought me I guess. I knew there was no more to see the moment I saw her and parked my butt in. And the purr egging me on to go and see another car. It's nice to be thrilled again like a kid. I spent more time in the car than the house over the last three days methinx. The music filtering through the BOSE speakers is absolutely mindblowing and I can't seem to get enough of it.

The stressful part is unlearning the Indian driving habits. It IS painful to keep an eye on the lane, the needle, speed cameras and enjoy the ride as well. Not to mention waiting at the roundabout and LET the other guy drive ahead before you. Grrr!! Hopefully this shall grow on me soon. The tomtom scared me with its 5 beeps indicating speed cameras ahead till I realised I hadnt broken any rules unknowingly. 

I wish my cousin was here with me. At times of thrill you tend to remember the people with whom you had most of the fun in your life. Even though this cousin is 9 years younger to me, we have a special connection untainted by distance, time or age. Like minds et al. I introduced him to Metallica when we used to race NFS III on the Pentium II almost 13 years back. He went on to learn the drums and now is one of the best drummers on the Indian scene for his age. All I can do now is point a direction. Some of our best trips in India have been on the spur of the moment with me honking my Palio below his building at midnight and us scooting into the night only in our shorts and tees. Be it Lonavala, Goa, Bandardhara or plain ole Madh island. Memories are for life.

Hmm, what next? Roger Waters plays here next month. I'll be there is a no brainer. Already saw Nile live in London and it was pure LSD. Seeing George Kollias in flesh on the drums was a three hour hard on. The mosh pit drew blood out of a lot of 'em. Also saw Eric Clapton which I have only dreamed of since I was a kid. My heart was tripping with Eric's strings for a few moments. It was unbelievable and not likely to be repeated again.

Lots to do in London and in life. Feeling good. This song - one of my extremely favourite trip songs says how I am feeling right now. If this doesn't get you moving, something's definitely unscrewed. Peace!!

Current music - Sa Trincha - Sa Trincha

And so it continues

And so the conundrum which is life continues. Sometimes things are so clear that I wonder how anyone can miss the obvious. At times, I am on the other side. So basically I know desire is the root cause of all sorrow. Buddha said so and I agree. But I am for all inclusive not exclusive. So desire is very important for me. Yoga has been very good for me but with a little bit clarity comes a lot of confusion as well. If you dont persevere, the confusion clouds the clarity.

So I was listening to this wise yogi talks. He talks real well and I can feel his feel. Its not fake. But what eludes my understanding is what is this hurry for enlightenment? On one hand they say that don't live in the future. The priests talk about us going to heaven or hell depending on what we do things. The wise folks say live right now. So isn't working on oneself to get enlightened the same thing? We are trying to basically do something which we don't know exists or may happen in the future. So there exists this huge schism in my mind right now the vortex of which drives me crazy.

One of the biggest fucking negative trait of being a Piscean is to keep seeing both sides of every point. It is unavoidable no matter how hard I try. Even in the biggest fucking fight of my life and minutes before words come to blows, a tiny voice at the back of my mind will ask,'Is there a teeny possibility that the opposite guy could have a point?' How ridiculous can one get? I read one of Linda Goodman's assessment on Pisceans saying that the guy will even take a stab at understanding his mother-in-law. Ha ha.

But the biggest fucking positive trait is once a Piscean is convinced about something, he will follow it to the end better than anyone else. Love, hate or even murder. A Piscean is like a diesel engine in -15 degrees. Can take an awful lot of time to heat up (for some) but once its hot, it runs like a Maserati.

These days I love to watch faces. The idea of sitting in the train with the ipod plugged on like millions of others is a big turn off. I'd rather watch people. And talk if someone opens up. Is unlikely to happen. But the optimist in me doesnt switch it off. And so I do. And I saw this girl with the most exquisite philtrum on top of utterly pink lips. A pity her hair was purple but a compartment during rush hour in London is a weird assortment of colors, shapes and styles. Quite lovely in fact. Another point of observation are shoes. The variety is mind boggling like everything else. Even the bloody aglets are stylish in formal wear.

I noticed the other day that I have lunules since  eons on my hands My mum used to say eat lots of calcium C tablets and so I went hunting for Calcium Sandoz. Couldnt find 'em unfortunately.

BTW, this feeling is getting a bit ubiquitous. Long walks by the Thames, idyllic chatting with strangers, day trips to Europe, long runs at the crack of dawn, live shows and what not. I hope I am not getting psychotomimetic. All this kerfuffle might just be me missing something. Home? Feel? The quest continues.

Current Music - Amanda Marshall - I'll be okay

The last waltz!!

On Friday, the weather was awesome. We have finally seen the back of the cold for some months to come. The sun was bright and shiny. Around 4, I packed up and was walking towards the station. Looking at all the people basking in the sun with their beers, drinks etc. And I thought,'What a perfect day to die'. So then I thought - Am I depressed? After a bit, the answer came - Nope. Well maybe a little but that is normal. So why am I thinking of suicide? Thought a bit more. I have everything a guy could ask for. No troubles in life and no worries. So then what is it? Why quit? One thing that kept coming up was I dont enjoy anything anymore. Nothing absolutely. What a shame. A lot of people would give an arm or leg to be in my position. I guess my screws are loose or am permanently warped. This was the first time in my life that this thought popped in my head. Bored of writing but had to pen this somewhere. It's sort of like Vincent Van Gogh painting his last sun. And I read Robert Crumb then who I agree with more or less.

Killing yourself is a major commitment, it takes a kind of courage. Most people just lead lives of cowardly desperation. It's kinda half suicide where you just dull yourself with substances - Robert Crumb

Current music: Morphine - I had my chance

Current Status: In the flesh!!

The stories are in the walls, and now the walls are coming down

Current music: The Books ft Jose Gonzalez - Cello Song

The Point of Inflection

Seems a shame to lose good friends just because I stopped writing here. Is that what online is all about? On third thoughts, anonymity was what brought me here in the first place. Life is so funny. The itch to write is so strong but I hate the thought of starting up again on a new blog. I'll wait to see how intense it gets before deciding whether to let it pass or use it to start again here.

Happy New Year to anyone who stumbles here anymore.

Current Music - Natrang - Wajale ki bara

Cheers!!

So again, what do they say? I've reached the final end of my tether. To anonymous penmanship. I've drifted from the purpose with which I started this blog. It's not meant to be an epitaph although this is what exactly this is. Some of you have really made a difference in my life in the 4 years I've strived to keep the thread alive. For that I am utterly grateful and unbelievably thankful. For taking the time to make a difference.

A week from now the writing will cease to exist. And so will the magpie. I saw Auschwitz last week. I leave you with a piece of a beautiful tragedy. If this doesn't move you, I don't know what will.

Final music: Valentina Lisita playing Traumerie the original by the great Schumann 

What is love?

Read it somewhere - If you have no one - masturbate. It will keep your emotions alive. Either I didn't understand it or I don't agree. Nonetheless, it led me to watch SAW 3D on this weekend.

SAW 1 had impressed me quite well and I had purposely avoided the sequels due to the expectation buildup earlier. However, I gave in to the call this Saturday and plopped in Vue. The storyline is more or less similar to part I wherein the villain puts people in a situation where they need to make a choice about whom they want to save or die in the bargain. Well, it's loosely put. There is plenty of gore and blown up all the more by 3D. It didn't scare me. It didn't bore me. However, the second half did make me reflect a bit. And the reflection turned deeper as I hit the sack that night. And is still going in.

In the second half, one of the central character has to go through 4 situations which challenge his guts, emotions, strength, will power AND love. A life of his close ones is associated with each of the test. Failure in any automatically kills the close one. And the tests would be sphincter breaking for anyone. Especially the last one where his wife is caught in the furnace and he has to pass the toughest test of all to save her. He fails inspite of his effort to garner the maximum will and strength. Nietzsche has rightly said - Till the day of his death, no man can be assured of his courage. But I thought what about love? We use the word love so loosely. What does love mean to you? Could you go through any damn thing and be prepared to sacrifice your life to save your loved one? And I am not talking about donating your kidney or blood in copiuos amounts. If there was a lion in front of you and your child or you and your mate, would you sacrifice yourself or escape? Do you have the balls to do that? To what end would you go for the one you love or rather profess to love? I ask the above questions taking it for granted that love is meant to be all consuming emotion pervading your heart, body and mind for the other. It is to be lived fully than in a tepid mode.

I've never been tested so far so unfortunately I haven't experienced the moment of truth. Have you?

To be honest, I don't know what love is. I thought I knew but I know now that I was wrong. At least for the past decade. Anything that doesn't take you higher either means that you are not giving it your all or it is not meant for you. It has nothing to do with the other person because your love makes a difference only to you and not to the other. Understand this.

So once again - have you? If yes, I'd love to hear it.

Current music - Ankhiyon ke Jharokhon Se

I am sorry but the pain of togetherness is more than I could find. Or bear. And that's how you want it anyway.

Current music: Sharmilee - Khilte hain gul yahan :(

And what do they say?

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you are alone with. Oh yeah!! Never had a problem with that. The best part of my last week trip to Amsterday was a taxi driver at the Den Haag Central station playing Shalimar - Hum Bewafa. After an utterly exhaustive day followed by drinks and dinner, it was such a undescribable moment to sit by the taxi, smoke a cigarrette and listen to Kishore Kumar. You start appreciating many things much more when they are not available easily. I didn't ask him to repeat the song. Have learnt that experiences are unrepeatable and dont lend the same flavor if repeated again. So I finished the ciggy, took the train and went to the hotel.

Current music: Shalimar - Hum Bewafa

The world seems allright

The past two months have been a whirlwind on all fronts. The involvement in everything has been so much it could perhaps be called as 'personal'. It has completely taken me by storm - the demanding clients, incessant travel to India and Europe, family and property matters, close friends and relatives - all in all it has been an upheaval. A churn to the next phase in maturity, values, friendships and understanding of the self. I've laughed to the point of bursting apart, cried to the point of despair and experienced so much extremes on the emotional front that a lesser me some years back would have collapsed easily. It's like every last drop of my emotion has been squeezed completely through like water through a sponge not allowed to dry naturally.

But it's been beautiful. To be swept uncontrollably without a moment of rest, to be driven even in your dreams across so many multiple points, so many personal relationships and all twining perfectly in the end. Like I said it has not been without its shares of downers but I think stress or adversity tests your real capabilities. If you can manage yourself and your system without losing control, you have been maturing quietly. Else, its no big deal to be in control during cool situations.

And yet again I start travelling to Amsterdam, Belgium and Europe from Monday. Living on your own in a foreign land requires so much discipline to ensure you don't victimize yourself starting from food, drink, exercise, money, house, travel at the least. I love it.

Current music - Dostana - Jaane Kyun

I'll see you again but not yet.

Yawn: another one

Muddat se thi kisise milne ki aarzu
Khwaish-e-deedar me sab kuch gawa diya
Kisi ne di khabar wo aayenge raat ko
Itna kiya ujala ke ghar tak jala diya


Now all: please go to sleep.

Current music: Nelly Furtado - All Good Things

Arz kiya hain

Chaha na usne mujhe bas dekhti rahi,
Meri zindgi se wo is tarha khelti rahi,
Na utri kabhi wo meri zindgi ki jheel me,
Bas Kinare Par Baithi Pathar Fenkti rahi.