I am sorry but the pain of togetherness is more than I could find. Or bear. And that's how you want it anyway.

Current music: Sharmilee - Khilte hain gul yahan :(

And what do they say?

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you are alone with. Oh yeah!! Never had a problem with that. The best part of my last week trip to Amsterday was a taxi driver at the Den Haag Central station playing Shalimar - Hum Bewafa. After an utterly exhaustive day followed by drinks and dinner, it was such a undescribable moment to sit by the taxi, smoke a cigarrette and listen to Kishore Kumar. You start appreciating many things much more when they are not available easily. I didn't ask him to repeat the song. Have learnt that experiences are unrepeatable and dont lend the same flavor if repeated again. So I finished the ciggy, took the train and went to the hotel.

Current music: Shalimar - Hum Bewafa

The world seems allright

The past two months have been a whirlwind on all fronts. The involvement in everything has been so much it could perhaps be called as 'personal'. It has completely taken me by storm - the demanding clients, incessant travel to India and Europe, family and property matters, close friends and relatives - all in all it has been an upheaval. A churn to the next phase in maturity, values, friendships and understanding of the self. I've laughed to the point of bursting apart, cried to the point of despair and experienced so much extremes on the emotional front that a lesser me some years back would have collapsed easily. It's like every last drop of my emotion has been squeezed completely through like water through a sponge not allowed to dry naturally.

But it's been beautiful. To be swept uncontrollably without a moment of rest, to be driven even in your dreams across so many multiple points, so many personal relationships and all twining perfectly in the end. Like I said it has not been without its shares of downers but I think stress or adversity tests your real capabilities. If you can manage yourself and your system without losing control, you have been maturing quietly. Else, its no big deal to be in control during cool situations.

And yet again I start travelling to Amsterdam, Belgium and Europe from Monday. Living on your own in a foreign land requires so much discipline to ensure you don't victimize yourself starting from food, drink, exercise, money, house, travel at the least. I love it.

Current music - Dostana - Jaane Kyun

I'll see you again but not yet.

Yawn: another one

Muddat se thi kisise milne ki aarzu
Khwaish-e-deedar me sab kuch gawa diya
Kisi ne di khabar wo aayenge raat ko
Itna kiya ujala ke ghar tak jala diya


Now all: please go to sleep.

Current music: Nelly Furtado - All Good Things

Arz kiya hain

Chaha na usne mujhe bas dekhti rahi,
Meri zindgi se wo is tarha khelti rahi,
Na utri kabhi wo meri zindgi ki jheel me,
Bas Kinare Par Baithi Pathar Fenkti rahi.

The tragedy of the human condition

Every single act is contingent upon another in the past and spawns a litter of consequences for the future. Sin might be expiated; forgiveness might be granted, but the consequences spread out, ripples in a limitless pool, currents eternally moving in a dark sea.

Self portraits are not always the best art. We all love ourselves, but we are not always happy with what we see in the mirror.

Annie Lennox's face has so much character. And her voice can literally travel in waves and take you with them.

To discover what you are unique at, to do what you do best is perhaps the greatest gift life has to offer.

Current music - The Return Of The King - Into The West

Dream On

London is different. It's got an atmosphere, an environment which can make you do new things. Rather awaken dormant feelings. Repressed feelings. Or hidden feelings to be truthful. And it's a total new introduction. As you move away from London and stay near the countryside, as the sun sets and the night beckons, and the people quieten themselves by the fire in their household and you have time - lots of time for yourself, there is no way to go but inwards. And so I do at times. It's a continuous delirious affair.

I watched a jugalbandi between a violin and a tabla player - both renowned artists known to me. I rarely get goose pimples easily but in the 3rd minute of their sporty competition I knew I was hearing some mind blowing music. And then when it ebbed down, it yet reminded me of Goldberg variations again. The love hate relationship with that particular particular mind numbingly delicious composition is never ending for me. The affair which after all started on one cold evening with a whisky glass in one hand, Bach on LP and me in London.

Current Music: Just

My Message

You don't even know the depths you can go to. Or the heights you can reach. Either way if you haven't reached one of those two, you haven't lived life. The greatest sadness and joy ever in life is in knowing who you are. To dedicate yourself to that one note, just to produce it right is nirvana. The last of the last.

Current Music: Goldberg Variations

London Dreams

The inclination for a new post hasn't set in. Well, it's not entirely true. The most poignant thoughts strike me when I am lying down straight as an arrow with palms upwards toward the sides of moi body  - when the sensations flow to the fingertips. Yes. I am a physical person. And I'm too lazy to pen them down which irritates me to no end when I ruminate the next day. I've been meaning to talk about relationships but what's the point? This would be an individual perspective not applicable to anyone since it's relative. Not that this is a free mason blog.

The week's been pretty good inspite of the waking at 4 and sleeping at 10ish. I haven't really explored London but I did go to St.Albans. Loved it. Might settle there for all you know. Only moi sis's husband tells me it's a sorta racist place. Sigh!! Any tips for a place near London with the bliss of a countryside and great tube connections?

Current Music: Queen : Too Much Love Will Kill you

Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair

Somedays back my friend sent me a picture of her little gorgeous daughter sitting on the wooden porch which extends into the sea. The picture had a eighties retro feel and somehow the colors also fit to make it complete. You know there are some pictures which tug at your heart the moment you see them. For e.g. the road going to Crowfoot glacier which is the source of Bow lake, the Athabasca glacier, the heartstopping Peyto lake and the enormously mindfuckingly gorgeous Lake Louise. Then there is the Sulphur mountain and the mountains of Denver. My heart truly stopped when I was driving down the mountains. I can't wait to go to San Francisco and sit on the edge of the wooden porch which extends into the deep sea, my feet lapping the water, tequila in hand in case I don't have any loved ones with me and watch the sun set with the air drifting me away. If death strikes me at that moment, I would happily kick the bucket.

You know with me such things happen. The moment I strongly start thinking about anything the puzzle starts to fill up. Unknowingly small events, references start to crop up which take me to my destination. So I logged into youtube and the song recommendation was San Francisco. I am no longer stunned with this happening to me. I don't call it a coincidence but pure synchronicity. And so I saw the song for the first time which incidentally is one of my very favourites from the sixties. I saw the video first; then closed my eyes and played it again. It brought tears to my eyes, got me really into the mood and music touched me again after quite some time. The lady perhaps couldn't have introduced him better. It was exactly how I would. Here goes in case anyone is interested.

Current Music - Scott McKenzie - San Francisco


and then I saw this one too. I had forgotten about it and didn't know Scott was in both.


The Mamas and The Papas - California Dreaming


The sixties truly made "now that's what I call music". Watching the videos to the songs which I had forgotten I knew brought these thoughts - One that the sixties were sooo different and beautiful. No wonder it produced so many flower children. Secondly, do we really know what's next? So what's with this deep desire in everyone to be wanted, to be loved and to be secure. And even more to be felt so by everyone. Why not just let down your hair, just trust in nature to take care of you? The simplest things are the most difficult, aren't they? Anything that is simple, doesn't actually require effort doesn't seem attractive to us or seems rather unachievable. Just to "be yourself".

Eighth wonder

I had to rub my eyes in disbelief when I opened my inbox this evening. An email. From my Dad. In hesitant prose as if he was not sure if I would actually get it. As if wondering how the text that he typed in his box could reach me all the way to London. I could actually feel all these thoughts in the way he typed those small sentences enquiring about my health. The workload. Whether I am taking care of my health or not. And the abrupt bye after he typed all that he wanted. The small and large caps. A different size and color in between as if he was experimenting and having fun with the options. The exploring of a child. I felt like I was in heaven. He who was totally against even taking an ATM card or taking the online banking option from his bank. He who didn't bother with the internet or laptop even though he must have seen me glued for hours on the puter since a decade.

Before I left for London, I spent two whole days teaching him the simple way of operating the laptop, using the explorer, checking if the connectivity is on, some simple diagnostics et al. And then set up an email account and showed him how to type in the url, username, password and send an email. Did a couple of dry runs but I was never convinced that he would actually use it. I actually showed it to him so that he woudln't be too hesitant about picking up the phone to call me and worry about telecom costs. Taught him as an alternative to contact me anytime. Took more than three weeks for him to send the first mail but the hook is in. I feel so complete in some sense. For finally teaching him at least one thing. Having the sense of introducing him to something totally new in the 65 years of his life.

And finally his 8 sentences. Some without fullstops. And some marked in commas. The unfamiliarity and attempt to convey his thoughts. All was overwhelming so I quickly typed an email and sent it instead of pondering too much. And then let it sink in me. Woohoo.

Current Music - Boney M - Daddy Cool

When The Lights Go Down

Obviously I am not settling in correctly if I am awake and online even at 11.30 in the night. Or it could be that I don't need much sleep these days. The first two weeks in Central London were fantastic. The summer helped the exuberant spirit of most too. The city was alive even at 11 in the night. People would just sit outside the station till the light faded out and do their own thing. Everything changes as you move away from the center. Life becomes slower, people start doing the disappearing act from the streets, shops close by 8 and the frame moves in slow motion. The farther you go towards the edge of the city, the closer it brings you to the edge. Personally speaking I am all for the calm countryside, the greenery, sounds of nature et al. The bug is that there is no one out to enjoy these things. People want to enjoy the serenity sitting inside their house. What the fuck is this meant to be when I return home by 5.30 p.m. and am the only person walking on the street? LoL and it isn't even winter.

So I chat with my house mate sometime till the light in either one's eyes fade or am on the internet on other days till I force myself to take a 'nap' in the night. Forcing yourself to sleep especially when you are in a extremely calm surrounding is almost like regression therapy. There are no sounds outside like in India to disturb the mind so it automatically goes into silent mode and the subconscious takes over. At least for me. And you remember incidents you have forgotten or it gently invokes the tenderest moments with exquisite gentleness. To ensure you don't run by them too fast this time like you did when they actually happened. And the buggery of it is that sometimes its so delicate that you actually wake up and end up picking the blackberry to look at the time and go back to it. LoL.

These days I turn off the lights when Australia wakes up. The time on bed is actual silence. I don't have to cover my eyes to experience actual darkness 'cause the mind switches off its chatter on its own. I don't know if it makes sense to anyone who reads me but hey, my blog and all that.. :) So my house mate was telling me about the things you need to be careful while buying a house, renting a property, UK tax laws, her job frustration and how she wants to move from the fashion industry to finance. Quite a jump I think but it's the need of the hour. Contrary to what people think, finance is the one industry where you can make money even in the crisis especially if you work in anything but the back office. Do whatever in life but try not to work in the back office of a company in a developed nation if you want to be assured of a steady flow of income and growth.

If your current company shut down and you had to actually change your industry, what would your choice or back up be?

Current Music: Madonna - Give It To Me

A Different Frame

I deleted my FB today. Thought about deleting the blog too but didn't want to do anything inane untill I was completely sure. So will persist till whatever is right materializes in my mind.

Is it perfectly normal to be on your own and not miss anyone? I am content being with myself. I am content being with everyone too. But I don't miss anything. It's not that I don't feel. I am incredibly moved at times by life situations, a child's touch, the crazy joke, the injustice, the justice, beauty of the nature and so on. But I don't think about anyone or anything from a I miss you or I miss it perspective. Is it because I have lived all the normal experiences completely or I have lived all the normal experiences and they don't interest me anymore? The other has always been of interest in our life because our own lives probably hold no excitement. No clarity on where, what, how. Hence the interest in what's happening with him, her, seven oceans across. And this is not even required for sustainance. But it's there in spite of it. But I've lost interest in these figs.

The trick lies within methinx. All I am concerned with these days is how to transform this rock into the divine (not God please). The struggle is to become compassionate. And what I mean by compassionate is to become passionate about everything in my life without exception. There are no struggles with beliefs. All that we believe in are things we do not know, isn't it? There are certain changes happening on a non physical level but its premature to comment. Just need to cut the ropes that bind me. Certain hard hitting incidents usually happen in life which push a person in a different direction. Make him lose interest in the mundane. And once you are on the road less travelled its difficult to trace back. As Frost says, in fact it's impossible to find the same road again.

There are only 4 ways to live life - through love / mind / trust / body. It's important to recognize what applies to you so the road becomes obvious. And accepting the recognition is quite important too needless to say. As Ayn Rand says ~There are two sides to every issue: one side is right and the other is wrong, but the middle is always evil.

More later.

Current Music - Sting - Fragile

Of Women On Women

And I must write about women here. The range of lookers is bizarre - from extremely dishy to the maniacal but lookers nevertheless. Some of the Goth apes look great too in their own way. All independent and in a rush on weekday and sunning themselves on the bench outside the station on the weekend. Cigarrette in hand and pet muse on another. Hormone hacked most of the time too :) Very expressive physically which might be attributed to the climate. Piccadilly Circus must definitely be one area where many a man goes home feeling much lighter with his better half. I saw this chic walking with 11 bags filled with clothes. I counted to be sure. What a place.

But speaking of women remind me of this Coco Chanel quote "I don't know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men". I love women. Period :). The other day I was thinking about the trials women go through in different phases of their life - menstruation, mental stress, menopause and of course men. And if they have a man who appreciates all that and makes them feel loved accordingly, great. If not, that is another trial to pass. Of course there is pregnancy and children for some, juggling jobs and children at the same tie and for the really unlucky - in laws living with them. All these combined make me feel that every woman should be some rewarded / awarded something by the Government for making the world so much comfortable inspite of 'men'. And that too in time while they can still enjoy and have full movement. My personal one would be (if I could afford) to give each one of them a cash rich year completely free to do everything that they want without the daily worries.

I cringe now when I think about the amount of mothers who keep on sacrificing, sacrificing and yet some more and eventually kick the bucket tired, brow beated and completely exhausted. And then the relatives talk about how good she was. Back home before I flew to London, I attended a funeral of one of my aunts - one I genuinely loved who passed away suddenly at a young age. During her funeral I could hear all the relatives singing praises, weeping truckloads of tears and doing the usual. It made me sick. I cursed them then and there itself - "Where the fuck were you guys when she was ill on the bed? How many times did you visit her and make her comfortable? And not to mention the amount of times you have back bitten her for some shitty reason or other. Stop this fucking pretense. All of you mother fuckers make me puke." There was a stunned silence and my Dad tried to pull me aside and then gave up. He knew the more he would try to stop me the more I would open up all their secrets. One of my relatives had the gall to ask me," So how many times did you come to visit her?" I told him,"Bastard, I came 4 times in 3 months and stayed for 2 days each. It's not about the number of times but the thought that counts. You people shunned her completely. She had cancer not some disease which would kill all of you. But no, who will take the trouble of visiting her - she who gave her entire life helping all of you in some way or the other. And some of you bastards haven't even made it to her funeral. Stop asking me bullshit questions and at least look after your own parents. Hopefully this should be a wake up call. I hope none of you guys wake up one day at your folk's funerals and are too late even though you deserve it."

Maybe this incident stemmed those deep thoughts on women. Or maybe it triggered memories of my mother whose flame extinguished because of lack of oxygen. But something sure did. For all those out there, a big kiss and this special dedication.

Current Music - John Lennon - Woman

On a lighter note, spotted this in Chennai

Tick Tick Two

Second post from nice climes. I think the city is in a progressive mode but people around me say everyone is waiting for the second dip post crisis. The unemployment is around 8% and the people in retail stores seem to be scrimping which as a domino effect everywhere.

After two weeks of staying in a hotel, I finally moved to a house. After living in Nizam city Hyderabad, London houses seem to be kennels. Even the 2 bhk with one storey seems to be smaller than my home in India. The size of the rooms is definitely small. I plan to stay here for maybe 2-3 months and then move into a larger house. I've become a sort of expert on how to spot and clinch the sharpest deals in rent-a-home or anything that has to be bought for that matter. I had a look at two different Indian spots - Harrow and Wembley. Conclusion - Wembley is dingy. Harrow on the hill rocks. Pinner is good. Harrow & Wealdstone are good too in some areas. Likewise some parts of Stanmore. But Wembley definitely sucked for me. Advise for Indians coming to London and looking to stay in a cosmo place with an Indian feel, don't go farther than Harrow on the hill. If I stay in London long enough, I might buy a house here but my plans are eventually to move towards California :). That place brings a smile on my face. Orange country especially. Or some obscure part of Europe. Maybe Austria. I have a feeling I will make my millions here in London.

The energy in this place is incredible. So is the diversity. East Europeans, Afghanis, apna desis, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis, Chinese, Africans - you name it and they exist. Its even more incredible than New York because so many live here and exhibit their creativity inspite of the discrimination supposedly prevalent. I had a mild dose of it already. I was travelling by bus around 8 in the night from King's Cross when this old man asked me in his typical Brit accent," And what the heck are you doing in my country?" I chose to ignore him for fuck's sake. But he persisted. "Answer me Paki". So I asked him with extreme politeness in my sotto voice,"Your country, is it? What's your name?" He answered something like "Stanley Jakowski". And the whole bus laughed. So that was that.

Then I saw this incredibly sensitive looking gay guy sitting two seats away on the tube. Carmine hair tied in a pony better than any girl I've seen, carmine lips and carmine eyebrows too for that matter. Incredibly feminine and sitting with perfect freedom in the train without a bother. No one gave him a second look other than my discreet stares. The freedom is just incredible to be what you want to be. And then the massive tattoo culture, run your hand through your hair styles adopted even by the bigshots on Canary Wharf, leather mischief et al. It was quite a double dose of pure oxygen.

Current Music - Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street

First from London

After a week of being here, now is the first time that I have got time, the internet and mainly the inclination to collect my thoughts. Luckily, one of my friends from Australia was down in London as part of the Europe tour and we had a good time over 3 days. Strangely, the place doesn't seem new to me at all. On the contrary, Coimbatore felt new to me when I visited it a week before I left India. Maybe the constant international travel over the last few years have numbed the travel taste buds so as to speak.

The locals say its a good time to be here. They are referring to the weather. I am sure they are really enjoying the sun which keeps the city bright till 9 in the night. Watching the unabashed display of breasts enjoying the sunshine anywhere and everywhere at times makes me feel I am perhaps at the beach. The train, bus, office, restaurant, pub, street - name the place and you have boobs ready to pop out of their holsters. I've travelled quite a bit but haven't witnessed this sane havoc anywhere. Its only the suit and tie that bring me back to reality. The amount of energy in the place is heartening. Or it could be they are just happy with the sun. Another fact that caught my attention is the staggering amount of cigarrettes smoked by almost everyone. It's unbelievable. That the English love their tipple is perhaps no secret but the amount of nicotine inhaled is scary. If I could find a way to make money out of cancer, I would be the fastest billionaire. I would seriously be happier to get at least a few people to stop. My count has been 4 sticks in 8 days which is quite a record over a long time. I don't feel the urge. Really. And no tipple either. Howzzat? I drank only once as a formality with moi Ozzy friend and it lurched my stomach too. Did a merry go around like a drain cleaner in my stomach. It's weird but I've no complaints. The mornings are fresher and the appetite is good.

The work place seems just what I imagined it to be. A dog eat dog sales world. No complaints though. A slaughter house is meant to be as bloody as possible. I've started connecting through my rolodex already and something might just open up which might help me make the quickest sale ever. Well, that's a quick one for now. It's time for shut eye but I might just try and grab some movie off the web.

It's time for a fresh start and I aim to make the brew right this time.

Current music - Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry

Whiplash

Last evening I was chilling at home with some friends. One of the girls decided to go to a nearby store to buy some juices and food. In Hyderabad, I live in one of the neatest residential areas and would like to swear by its safety and unconditional comfort. Till yesterday.

She called me up on my cell on her way back to check whether we needed anything else. And then she screamed and cut the phone. Befuddled, I called her back to hear her panting and abusing in rage, "Bastard. Assole. Mad******. I will fucking kill you". All this from someone whom I have not known to utter even the mildest abuse in jest. Absolutely prim and proper lady. I knew some bad shit happened. She yelled again,"These two bastards molested me and one is running in the direction of your house". And with that I could hear her running again.

By then the other two girls in the house knew something was wrong. We ran to the basement, got the car out and went in her direction. All in 120 seconds. On our way we would see one person running in our direction. I veered the car in his direction. Even while I was driving, the girl next to me opened the door to slam dunk him. The bastard somehow sidestepped the door and ran on. I stopped the car in the middle of the road and followed. Cursed my cigarrettes but the will was strong and made up for the stamina. Caught him after a 300 metre chase. Thrashed the shit out of him. By then the girls caught up with us including my friend who was molested by him and his friend. She was talking on the phone while coming down the road whilst these two vermin were coming in the opposite direction. The street lights went off at that moment and one of the two squeezed her breast. And continued to walk as if nothing happened and just casually turned to see her reaction. My friend said all her thinking stopped. She saw red. Felt dirty. Bloodhot. And ready to kill. She ran after him screaming at his friend to stop him from getting away. And then when she saw them running in opposite directions, she called me.

The girls drew their sandals. My friend had turned into a mad hatter. By then a crowd gathered and joined in the fray. I let the guy have it in full throttle. He was a carpenter. A 16 year guy from Delhi who came to Hyderabad to work with his uncle. He looked 25, big and strong. I could sense the strength flowing through his blood while I thrashed him. It was only the my anger and adrenalin coupled with his fear that allowed me to kick his ass. And in such situations, I guess that is what matters. The guy who ran away was 16 too. He got the bashing of his life till the cops arrived which was a cool 30 minutes. We took the cops and the guy to his house to pick up the other vermin but he had escaped. Frustrated, we returned to the police station and filed a complaint. Let me tell you - the cops have a different way of kicking butt. The sound emitted from his throat had a different quality to it from the one on the streets. We didn't feel sorry for what we did. 16 years or otherwise. These are the guys if unchecked who go on and rape 5 year olds. The senior inspector told me they would catch the other guy by midnight.

We returned home, played some scrabble to relieve her trauma. A Breezer helped her. Anything stronger and she would have been knocked out. Her family's reaction to it was even more traumatic which pissed me off even more. Blew my top. I asked her and a couple of other girls to sleep over for her to avoid post traumatic stress and her pathetic inlaws. Her husband came over and stayed too. My hands shake in anger even as I write this.

Current Music: Behemoth - Be Without Fear

It's time

And so the countdown has finally begun. There are no upheavals, parting thoughts or pandering of emotions within at the thought of leaving India. Nothing repressed within either {to satisfy the psychologist in you ;)}. I am excited with the prospect of everything new in every hour of my life. I knew most parts of US like the back of my hand but the EU and UK are unchartered territories even though I've been there a few times. It would have been Australia but certain powers made sure that it was not that down under :).

Unofficially I have become an immigration attorney after exploring the various routes of entering a country. Also on the relocation and negotiation front. The long tryst has itself been a fulfilling experience. But mostly, my faith in the power of the mind has moved to another level. If you think of something with an intensity to block everything else out, it happens. Churning out that intensity requires raising of your energy levels on one hand and a real desire on the other. A lot of times we desire something real badly. But the desire is on a diminishing curve. It vanishes if you do not get the object in a few time frames. Raising of the energy levels is something not meant for the blog. One of the times I wanted something for real was way back in 2000. I remember wishing on my favourite tree of the desire to go to the US for a selfish reason. The desire was all consuming rattling its way through my mental and physical circuits till I was breathing it. It was almost prana. And it happened leading me to enjoy the culmination of my desire. I hadn't explored the power within that strongly earlier in my life. I wish I had though. Similarly this time I had lengthy conversations within whether I really wanted to go and once that was decided, everything else just fell into place.

Its about knowing what you really want and wanting it for real. So while it's been an exciting life so far in the land of mystery, I am equally kicked about what's next. I've made some swell friends over here and hopefully I shall meet some in moi travels. Thank you for all your good wishes. Each one counted for making it happen.

Current Music: Pete Rock & C. L. Smooth - They Reminisce Over You (one of my top 5 hip hop)

Running Thoughts

Tears fall from eyes created with tender love
Heart moved developed by my maker above
Inspiring life of a long lost friend
Another soul giving sharing praying it will never end
Barrier of distance or age in time
Gives no thought to a friendship so sublime