Double Entendre (Read: Double Encounter)

Now there have been countless jokes about the Nizam of Hyderabad and his harem of gays, right? So when I disclosed to moi friends that I am moving to Hyderabad, I was ribbed a bit (good naturedly of course).

So last Sunday I drove to Madhapur to buy a mattress. Buffett said - No sense in spending 7-8K for a mattress to be used temporarily. So I was hunting for something that would serve moi purpose and moi roomie guided me to Madhapur. I parked the car a bit away to avoid being overcharged and walked the rest to the shop on the road. There was a European couple inspecting a few mattresses. I looked at a few and couldn't make up moi mind. The business owner came over to guide me. Must be around 30-35, hefty with a typical accent. After understanding moi requirement, he pulled down a disco blue colored mattress off the shelf and proudly proclaimed,"700 rupees". Mentally I was taken aback cuz I fell in love with the color and would have paid 1500 if he would have asked me. I have no idea about the cost of things actually. And so haggle I did. In between the firang couple came in to buy the same mattress but our friend told them,"It is reserved for this young man". And winked at me. Moi antennae should have functioned then. But I was in this bargaining mood. Finally got him down to 500 with the pillow thrown in. Now I happened to hit him lightly on the back and shoulder during the 5 minutes that we bargained heatedly. So whilst I was removing cash from moi pocket to pay him, he started carressing moi chest and nipple actually. Heat coursed through moi ears and if I was a fair guy, I would surely turn bright red. Unperturbed, he asked me,"Gym jaata kya? Chest mast hain." (Do you go to the gym? Your chest is great). I laughed loudly, paid him, directed the assistant to carry the mattress to moi car and off I trudged.

Was this it? Absolutely not. What starts in the dark continues in the light, right?

So the assistant dumps the mattress in moi car. I pay him a tenner and off he goes. I sit on moi seat and am about to start the engine when I see this local cop standing in front glaring at me. He asks me outside,"Telegu?" I shake moi head. "Hindi?" I nod moi head. "Is this your car?" I say,"No. I stole it". Of course not. So I nodded. He immediately starts spewing,"Do you know there was a traffic jam from here to Kothaguda junction because you parked your car in the middle of the road?" And he starts his gestures etc etc. I looked at the car quizzically wondering if it had gone and sat in the middle of the road all by itself. Well!! He said,"Follow me to the police station". I nodded enthusiastically. His face fell. Weak case huh? So off I went driving behind him. He stops me outside the police station and asks,"Do you have the driving license? And the papers?" I nod vigorously and smile. His face fell even further. He took me inside and made me sit on the chair. At least three cops asked me what I was doing there. Meanwhile, our cop couldnt find his receipt book I think so he comes out after every 2-3 minutes, mumbles for everyone's benefit that I parked the car in the middle of the road and there was a traffic jam till Kothaguda junction. I am bored by his tirade by now so I stand up and wander into the inspector's cabin. 2 star inspector sitting on chair. I narrate moi woe quickly. By the time the cop comes again, tells the inspector about moi irresponsible parking and goes away again. 2 star gets up, walks to the door, looks right and left and comes behind me. And guess what? He runs his hand on moi butt. There was no way it could have been accidental. And then at a distance of maybe one and half feet, he asked me,"Gym jaata kya?"

WTF? I have nothing against gays and the passes they make. But the suspense was too much. No one can mistake that I frequent the gym by looking at me. He let me off finally but I am still wondering what was that line all about. All within a space of one hour was kinda too much so I made the last mistake of the night. I entered a place called Club 8 to have a drink. Oh Jesus!! Highly avoidable. Utterly decrepit music, crowd and ambience. I saw only guys dancing on the floor and wondered whether today is the day when I get done finally. I stormed out leaving half the drink, carried the mattress upstairs and plopped off.

I lived. I learned.

It's Now or Never

One day, Gopi returned from visiting a doctor about his liver problem brought on by his heavy drinking. He mournfully told his wife that he had only twelve hours to live. After wiping away her tears, he asked her to prepare him a nice dinner. Sometime later in bed, he started to make romantic overtures and his wife, with a heavy heart, dutifully responded. Three hours later. Gopi gently woke her up and said,"I only have seven more hours to live. I was thinking that maybe, you know.." She agreed. Still later, Gopi, bursting into tears, realized he had only five hours of life left. He nudged his wife and said,"Please, just once more before I die." She agreed and afterward sighed heavily, rolled over and quickly fell fast asleep. Gopi continued to hear the clock ticking away in his head until he was down to three more hours. Again he nudged his wife to wake her, and sobbing away, turned to her and said,"I only have three more hours left, could we?" his wife sat up abruptly and turned to him and said,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning, AND YOU DON'T!"

Living By Choice

All moi readers - please tell me the moral of the story :)

Raj walked up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. Adter he sat down, the bartender came over and asked for the order. Raj said, "I'll have a beer," and turned to the ostrich,"What will you have?" "I'll have a beer too," said the ostrich. The bartender poured a beer and said,"That'll be one hundred and seventy seven rupees and twenty five paise". Raj reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change. The next day, he and the ostrich came in again, and he asked for a beer. The ostrich said,"I'll have the same." Once again, he reached into his pocket and paid with the exact change. This became a routine, until late once evening, the two entered again. "The usual?" asked the bartender. "Well no, this time I'll have a big scotch," Raj said. "Same for me",said the ostrich. "That'll be eight hundred and twenty two rupees fifty paise,"said the bartender. Once again, the exact change came out of his pocket. The bartender could not hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change from your pocket every ime?" "Well," Raj said, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appreared and granted me two wishes. Moi first wish was that if I ever have to pay for anything, I just have to put moi hand in moi pocket and the right amount of money will always be there.""That's brilliant," said the bartender. "Most people would wish for ten crore rupees or something, but you will always be rich as you want for as long as you live." "That's right, whether for a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there," said Raj. Then the bartender asked, "One other thing sir. What's with the ostrich?" He replied,"Moi second wish was for a chick with long legs."

91.1 rocks in HYD (only 9 to 11 please)

Radiocity played some awful music in Mumbai. In fact, I cribbed about it regularly to the guy who was responsible for it when we met in Toto's. But...but...after listening to RJ Gaurav (his show starts at 9 pm titled Kal Aaj aur Kal - yesterday, today and tomorrow) I have to change moi opinion. The dude rocks. He plays FANTASTIC Hindi classics, timing is great and includes some great shayari as well. I have been hooked to his show especially since I drive home between 9 to 11. He has made me long for a radio now.

"Muh ki baat jaane sabhi

Dil da dard jaane na koi"

It's a Tough World with Rays of Light

I don't recollect if I mentioned this but moi company is extra paranoid about information security. They have done something to the laptop which does not allow me to play mp3. Forget about playing, it does not allow the user to do anything once it detects the mp3 extension i.e. extract, download, play :( Likewise for all file extensions other than wma..It doesn't even allow me to copy mp3 from CD to hard drive. So the magpie was quite morose for some days.

Sunday - Went to exhibition. Bought DVD worth 200 bucks and contains 12 movies.

Monday night - Brainwave after shambhavi mudra :) Downloaded VLAN player and voila...I could at least play the movies.

After SEVEN, I saw SNATCH..Gawd!! I haven't laughed so much for ages. It was hilarious. I just LOVE the Brit accent. And the cast was fantastic. Finally slept at 3.

But I still haven't figured a way around the mp3 block...

Hyderabad Blues - I

Office - 5 minutes away.
Grocery/Restaurant/Laundry/Gynm - 5 minutes away
10 Downing Street (henceforth referred as TDS)- 30 minutes away. This ain't fair :) I miss rustic Toto or philandering Enigma. In Mumbai.

So what does a person do when he is by himself on a Friday night in Hyderabad? On sensible advice I headed towards 10 Downing Street which apparently is owned by the same folks in Pune. Hearsay. After making 3 wrong U turns and yet not finding Lifesyle (which houses TDS) a man has to ask for directions. After a tough 2 minute Telegu Hindi mix conversation with a watchman liberally spersed with pantomime antics, it finally sunk that I had to travel to the end of the road under the flyover and then take a Uturn instead of midway. Phew!!

I am about to enter TDS when the bouncer says "Couples only". ??? Is that so? Since when? Why? The bouncer repeats in a monotone "Couples only"..Someone sensible intervenes and after an obviously visible up-down look from moi face to jacket and boots, nods in moi favor. Another Phew. It was pretty early or so I thought at 9.30 pm. Not mucho crowd. I am instructed to sit by the bar (haha). As if it's a punishment. That would be moi choice anyway, right? There is an uncle sitting 2 seats away and another guy who is ogling at everyone who comes inside (yours truly included). After a round of JD, I hear a muted "Excuse me" from behind. I turned around and saw the guy pretending as if he didnt say anything. I am about to turn back when he said "Hi". A hi in return. Silence. I wondered what that was all about. It started filling up after 15 minutes. Nice crowd. Mix of uncles, aunties, mid 20s, mid 30s and I am the stud types. Ate the over-priced mutton seekh kabad, drowned it with another JD and called it a night by 11.

On moi way back, somewhere between Begumpet and Jubilee hills, there was a police road check testing the drivers breath for the obvious. Haha..This could be tricky. I wasnt sure whether moi 2 large ones would qualify me for being drunk. I do know for sure that the police have no concept of permissible limit here. Time to give it a whirl. The cop asks me to lower the window and blow into the device. I blow to the right of the device once. The cop mutters something in Telegu. I put on moi most irritable look and say "What" insolently. One more time Sar. I blow it sideways once more. He waves me on and I am home. That wasn't too bad. I wonder if I can do something like this in Mumbai but I dare not take more chances like this. I had the most interesting encounter with the cops and a mattress owner in Madhapur but that is for another post.

Hail CJ

A few minutes back I mentioned to Enemy of the Republic that I envy her and I wish I could freak out over something..Famous last words. The next blog I visited was CJ's Utility Shed. Read this one: Trailer Trash It shook a little of moi gestalt. After a long long time, something moved. Within. Hail CJ.

India's Response to Carnage?

India needs a Golda Meir. Period.
http://www.amazon.ca/Striking-Back-Olympics-Massacre-Response/dp/0786172983
The Mossad tracked down every one of the terrorists over a 30 year period and killed each one of them.
This is what needs to be done.
And this is simply awesome:
http://palestinefacts.org/pf_1967to1991_entebbe.php

Hau!!

I landed in Hyderabad on Sunday. The airport is fabulous. Is quite international than most. After the initial super impression, I moved to the city. The last three days have been so low. I haven't yet received the ID, laptop, phone etc. from moi organization. Spent the last few days playing table tennis wearing a visitor's badge. Kicked everyone's butt bigtime. Finally someone ventured to ask me a question,"Excuse me, are you an employee of xxx?" I said,"Yeah, they recently hired me as a table tennis coach". A big gryn which indicated,"No wonder this bugger is kicking our butt". People are so trusting. I had a momentary qualm but let it go. I need some small kicks to pass the time. By the time he figures I am in the Sales and Strategy team, it's going to be too late.

People are quite polite. I felt like a New Yorker visiting Nashville. The only stain on the so far clean canvas is the rickshaw guys. I feel like I am bargaining for vegetables. Sigh! Another week and moi car should be here.

Anyone in Hyderabad please holler. I need company...

Something.

TASTE OF INDIA

A Brand New Day

I read a fantastic saying - Today is the first day for the rest of your life.

That put me in a buoyant mood. And then the showers came down. The weather is absolutely gorgeous. I got caught in the downpour and the thunder with lightning is adding the edge to moi excitement. After much deliberation (only 4 fingers left), I snuck the Laphro out from under the bed after checking that THE COUPLE has switched their lights off and sat by the window watching the rain. In fact, I am still by the window typing away furiously on the Dell. Oh btw, in case you are wondering - the couple had put a pre-condition - No Smoking, No Drinking in the house. I asked - How about if I suck blood?. No answer to that. In fact, moi mind starts getting deeper in such moments and I feel like doing some serious writing. There is no depth worth capturing in moi thoughts otherwise :)

On another note, it feels great to be nude in front of someone. Just finding that someone with whom you can peel those layers and finally be nothing. In front of someone who doesn't give a fig about who you are, what you wear, how much you earn, your wicked sometimes malacious thoughts, your embarrassing public and private actions, your sad taste in films and music, societal status and more. Someone who is with you for what you are without expecting anything in return. I met that someone ONCE. And estupido senor didn't recognize it for what it was worth. Let it slip from moi fingers and watched it vanish in the eddy. And I've heard it happens only once. And I agree.

Two fingers left now. I wish I had company tonite. I feel like talking for a change. Por favor anyone? Time for the Marlboro man. As I rushed into the building lobby after getting drenched and stood near the lift, the lights went out for a minute. Maybe less. As I looked towards the left at the end of the wall which turned left, there stood a dark man with a Colgate smile. In the dark I could see only his white pearlies. I jumped out of moi skin and cursed "Bhe*****"..Even when the lights came on, I swear he was so black he could be the national flag of Jamaica..The other building resident informed me as we went up that he is senile and often does such silly things. Is harmless. Yeah..Tell that to moi heart which almost stopped beating for a minute and then jumped to 120.

Be right back.

Unforgettables and moi playlist

Since the last post, I am tempted to maintain continuity and keep writing on music I am listening to currently. Also, this luxury of sitting on the sofa with a Laphroaig on a Friday evening is rare and I am not going to miss this. The lady of the house is looking at me with a queer expression. I can almost read her mind "What? You don't want to go out for a Friday evening? Give me and my husband some privacy." Hehe, maybe a little later I will give her that. Also, I am changing moi font to Times New Roman. Have been thinking of doing that for quite some time. Changed it in moi Outlook. Actually, am changing a lot of things in life as you might have guessed. Or not.

Before I as usual forget the objective of this post, let me quickly jump into mainstream blogging ;) on music which is anything but. I met this English writer (very famous but then you wouldnt recognize Jeffrey Archer if he shat on your head would you but I did and was lucky enuff to be seated next to him) on one of moi flights to US and I was shameless enough to borrow his Ipod when he was dozing off. And the first song that came on was "Chicago" by Peter Hamill and Robert Fripp from Fripp's album "Exposure". I am sure any 50+ Australian is going to debate when I say this song is apt for sitting with friends and listening to this over decent Scotch. In fact I had a heavy arguement when one of moi friends termed it as bluesy and jazzy. It does have a lil overtone but what a voice. A short length song but ah!! Smoky like moi Laphroaig.

(Psst - I have a feeling moi landlords are humping already. Can't wait can you? As if I am listening to your door. Oh well.)

Another song which I was introduced to at 3 in the night in a place called Bleecker Street bar in New York. I don't know why I frequent that place everytime I am here. I guess I am a creature of habit and get attracted to the most inane of places. It's a decent sized pub-bar with dart games, pool tables AND a jukebox which is very essential for me. So there I was one of those evenings after work heating up the jukebox to the bargirl's chagrin. "Seasons in the Abyss" at 6.30 p.m. is early even by NY standards. And so the music went on in that vein with me hogging up the jukebox with moi personal playlist. Mostly the music being played there is the usual poppy stuff so moi choices are refreshing at times to the junta or exasperating which suits me fine. Pool, JD (you don't get Laphroaig there grrr) and music. Till I ended up playing pool with this particular guy from 2 to 3 who was bearing with moi music oscillating from death metal to slow rock to jazz and er..yes the occasional love song too hehe. I remember distinctly going to the loo when moi last song was played. As I came out of the loo and was walking towards the table in the small aisle, I heard the strains of "Baba O Reilly". What the...Seems moi partner played good music with pool as well. And that song stuck with me. I've been chewing and chewing on Baba and The Seeker for almost 6 months now. Cant get the taste outta moi mouth. Sips a little Laphro. Where was I? hmm...

Without much more chewurear, here are the rest in moi playlist these days...

• SpyroGyra - Catching The Sun ( I saw them live for free in Detroit. Khan you believe it? They were playing for the Chrysler employees during their 7 day Employee Motivation Week. Also saw Mark Knofler from a 10 feet distance. Unbelievable. No wonder Chrysler went into loss but hey I am not complaining too much)
• Sting - Shape of My Heart
• Roy Orbison - Love so beautiful
• Brandi Carlile - What Can I say? (From Grey's anatomy)
• Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan Sahib - Kise da Yaar Na Vichre (I love adding that Sahib. He rocks)
• Namaste London - Main Jahan Rahoon (Ok. Stop laughing)
• Anwar - Maula mere
• Metallica - Eye of the beholder
• Slayer - Skeletons of society
• Annihilator - Maximum Satan (I find it strange that most people havent heard them. This band is quite good and some say Canada's answer to Metallica. I find them technically better.)
• Edguy - Tears of a Mandrake
• Elton John - The One
• Phil Collins - On My Way (Remember Brother Bear)
• Sam Brown - Stop (Umm...)
• Tim Cappello - I Still Believe

Phew..That took two large swigs to remember...Now all you folks who even bother to read this, you have a great weekend. I will try to liven things up on moi own here...Slainte!!

Music For The Classes

One good thing about being away from your home country is that you are not time bound by anything. I am relishing some really good music sitting here in New York of all places. And of all places becuz I am listening and discovering Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan Saheb.

Today I returned home early after a client meet. Just wasn't feeling like going for more meetings. So cancelled the same and came to moi PG accomodation for the next two weeks. I stay with an Indian Punjabi couple (younger by a couple of years to me) in their spare room which suits moi spartan comforts just fine. A bed, ac, TV, balcony for moi smokes and to read. Well, it was just me and the lady of the house at home. Talks turned to music and a couple of Nusrat recommendations. Limewire is on always when I am in NY. I miss the fantastic download speeds when I am back home and make up for the downloads (guiltily albeit).

So I sat down to listen to Nusrat crooning "Kise da yaar na vichre". The start just blew me away. What a voice!! I had always liked Nusrat and listened to a few songs like "Piya re", "Aankhiyan nu chain na aawe" (always in the car - this one), "Ishq da Rutba" and so on. But this just sucked me inside the vortex. To find what you love and do it with complete passion and leave a legend behind. The idea of an Indian sitting in New York idling his time listening to a Pakistani singer over a cup of hot Nescafe with a Panjabi woman from Amritsar. Well, globalization or what? Oh and this woman had to stop listening to Nusrat songs as her husband grew jealous of Nusrat. She was NUTS about Nusrat and sacrificed listening to him just because her husband didnt like it. Sigh!! I am not getting the right word but some kind of purity comes close for love, passion whatever you call it.

The day I discover that in me - I will be at home. That's the only quality I yearn for. To be crystallized and forget everything else. The rest automatically falls in line and trust me I have seen this in very few people I have met. My ex-boss - Jagdish Moorjani who started Transworks and later sold it off. He was perhaps the only guy I have met who is so crystallized in what he does. An unexhaustive supply of passion in everything he does - whether he is talking to us lowly guys, his managers, his driver and others. Whether he is teaching, ordering or generally talking about something. You have his COMPLETE attention which is such a rarity. I have seen interviewers getting lost while interviewing me. I myself think about a hundred thingies even when I am driving, having sex (well not always hehe) or in general activities which should have moi full attention. Well, I am ranting today and it is not even late night with some Laphroaig in moi gut.

Am off listening to some more of Nusrat. Anyone in New York - let's meet up. I could do with some company.

At twenty years of age the will reigns; At thirty the wit; And at forty the judgement -

Laga Chunri Mein Daag

I'm listening to this song continuously these days. It's got me captivated. Laga Chunri Mein Daag by the famous Manna Dey. And to think I used to cringe when moi ma used to play the very same artiste in the morning..This was I think one of the song of moi yesteryears when I was still in wee bit shorts waking every morning to the strains of the radio while ma worked in the kitchen..Extremely tough song to sing. Can be heard online on: http://www.musicplug.in/songs.php?movieid=5651

Another one which Isha hooked me on to is "Baavra Mann" from Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi. Beautiful masterpiece. And now I need to see the movie as well. Listen to it at: http://www.dhingana.com/albums.php?value=Njgy The male version..I wonder how I missed it

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question of the mid-term exam: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Tales of a Room Hunter in the Big Apple

The last few days have been a real test of patience bordering on the ridiculous and stretching to plain whack. In search of a room (shared/sublet or otherwise) in the Big Apple having a preference for midtown and brooklyn, I had a rather uplifting experience.

One monster called in response to my email and asked me, "Are you the guy who wrote "To love and be loved is to feel the sun on both sides"? I was stuck for a moment and then recollected it's moi email signature which I hadn't bothered to change for donks. He proceeded to ask me, "What does it mean?" I got down to a quick interpretation cooked impromptu to which he interrupts,"Are you looking for a room or for quick sex? What kind of an email signature do you send out while searching for a room? The fused moi bulb and I ranted out a quick and loud "Fcuk you. What's your problem? Are you renting rooms or pimpin?" A moments silence. And an embarrassed cough and half hearted laugh,"Shit maan. I was checking if you are straight or not. I get hundreds of emails and...yada yada"..The bugger didn't finalize the room but he sure screwed moi head..Arrgh..

Then there is this joker who says,"I will let you have moi apartment in midtown for 200 bucks a month". I ponder. Is moi ass in jeopardy? Silence. I asked,"And why do I get such a honorable price?" He says, "If you are willing to babysit moi kid for 4 hours a day, I could share the room for 200 bucks." Right. And me on a business visa. Something happens to the little one. I get overhauled faster than a speeding bullet to the nearest lockup. Tempting as it was, it was a definite no :(

And to beat everything, there is this plain whacko who advertises $ 100 for a month if the tenant will parade in an underwear when he is at home. And no - he is not interested in sex but once in a while he may feel you all over. Yeah, feel me if you can but you aint feeling anything ever in your life after that...

Then there are the desis on sulekha who ask, " Do you drink? Do you smoke? Are you from South India? Are you non-veg?" Are we talking about renting a room or am I up sitting in the marriage market?

And I still haven't found a room..Is anybody listening?

An Indian in New York!!

Though I am not an alien I sure feel like it sometimes. Sigh!! The last few days have been spent hunting for a room. In New York. I am here till mid-December and now I am ready to share rooms as well. Craigslist, roommates, sulekha..the works. Am at the end of the tether. I definitely don't want to go to Washington Heights. I work on Wall Street. Brooklyn is mucho preferred by this beggar if given a choice :)

Anyone listening?

"If your only tool is a hammer, every problem resembles a nail"